Speccie Party: No Canapes, Plenty of Sardines

It was not quite politics babylon on St James - Diane Abbott cosying up to Jonathan Aitken, Andrew Neil cosying up to a bevy of dusky maidens (really), Matthew d'Ancona cosying up to no one in particular. Guido dropped in on the Speccie party. They had heavies in the undergrowth, yet still Guido squeezed in.

Dave apparently did his usual 15 minutes of smiling, showing his face to friends thing, before heading back to Notting Hill (Guido arrived late, so that is second hand, possibly even completely untrue). Coulson was chatting cheerfully to some totty. The co-conspirator's sweetheart - little Jenny of the Bank of England - was inquiring as to her permanent successor on the Daily Politics - still no news. Melanie Philips actually looked jolly, Simon Hoggart looked lost, Katy Taylor-Richards was wearing a short skirt.

It was as packed as the proverbial tin of sardines. Guido experimented with the cocktail of the night - sponsored by the Ardbeg whisky firm - it was a very strong sort of a whisky sour with Grand Marnier. Guido thinks he will be snoring on the sofa through Diane and Brillo tonight...

OK, Now You Can Let Rip in the Comments

So contrary to early reports and rejoicing this morning on the unpopular blogs, Guido is still at liberty. Sentenced to a 3 year driving ban, plus 3 month curfew. No excuses, Guido pleaded guilty.

Mrs Fawkes laughed at the news, she has been trying to get her husband home early for years. Guido attributes his shameful behavior to excess alcohol and an early reading of P J O'Rourke's Republican Party Reptile*.

Thanks to all those of you who sent best wishes and to the not at all obsessed T** I****** for turning up to offer, errm, support in the public gallery. Having demurred to the offer of an alcohol treatment program, Guido will continue to drink and now be chauffeur-driven home early.

*The Platform of the Republican Party Reptiles:

“I think our agenda is clear. We are opposed to: government spending, Kennedy kids, seat-belt laws, busing our children anywhere other than Yale, trailer courts near our vacation homes, all tiny Third World countries that don’t have banking secrecy laws, aerobics, the UN, taxation without tax loop­holes, and jewelry on men. We are in favor of: guns, drugs, fast cars, free love (if our wives don’t find out), a sound dollar, and a strong military with spiffy uniforms. There are thousands of people in America who feel this way, especially after three or four drinks. If all of us would unite and work together, we could give this country. . . well, a real bad hangover.”

Of course there is nothing unusual about tagging for a blogger...

Pass the Sick-Bag Pauline

We already knew from Tracey's kiss 'n tell that Prezza suffered from diabetic impotence, hence the necessity for a few Viagra when he was attempting to hide the chipolata with his mistresses. Will that also be in his "no punches pulled" book?

Guido has to be the first to ask, is it really the classical bulimia condition he is describing?

I was getting all this pleasure stuffing food in, perhaps if I could get it out, I could carry on eating, do the same the next day. So I started deliberately sicking it up. I’d go to the toilet after guzzling, put a finger down my throat, and make it all come up. It was surprisingly easy.

Prezza is admitting it had nothing to do with poor self-image, or other self-esteem issues and all to do with him enjoying going through all the numbers on the menu at the local Chinese.

Whenever I go to Mr Chu’s in Hull, my favourite Chinese restaurant in the whole world, great atmosphere, great people, I could eat my way through the entire menu.

He would sick it up so he could consume more. That is plain old fashioned gluttony. The Romans knew the joy of orgies of over-eating followed by vomiting. Cicero, in Pro Rege Deiotaro, records that Julius Caesar "expressed a desire to vomit after dinner" (vomere post cenam te velle dixisses), and says that the dictator took emetics for this purpose.

Prezza is not suffering from a tragic condition, he is just a gluttonous, greedy sicko.

Prezza's self-outing has neverthless given Guido the courage to confess that he too suffers from an eating disorder. Guido's recent weight gain has been cruelly mocked by cartoonists and even the usually so right-on stick-to-the-ishoos types. Rich Johnston the cartoonist described the technical term for Guido's condition as "daddy fat". In fact during the first three years of married life Guido was gaining weight at the rate of a pound per month.

Although Guido has yet to sign his book contract, it seems that now is the right time to reveal the suffering and torment caused by endless long lunches, bottles of Margaux, Port and cheese accompaniments...

Drink to Cuba Libre!

Guido will be down in Bar Cubana, Waterloo (map) this evening drinking to the ill health of Fidel Castro. The bar is owned by blogging ex-Tory MP Phillip Oppenheim and he has been prevailed upon to contribute a few drinks to celebrate the end of Fidelismo. So if any of you fancy dropping in after work...

(Oppenheim was called a "c**t" by Shadow DFID Minister Andrew Mitchell over this blog story).

Had a Liquid Lunch

Looks like we should have ordered champagne....

There Will Be Mulled Wine and Hangovers...

You should have received your invite by now. No word yet as to Stanislav's attendance.

Beg for an invite from Guido.Fawkes@Order-Order.com.

Friday Write Off

Blogging will be light on Friday (isn't it always) because Guido will be in London for Xmas drinks and would love to see friends of the blog. He would particularly like to see new friends from the comments, like Stanislav, and may even stand you a drink. A gang of co-conspirators will be there and it will be very merry.

So if you would like an invite, email Guido.Fawkes@Order-Order.com. Sorry, no lawyers.

Guido will be identifiable in the fetching Guido Fawkes long-sleeve T-shirt available for delivery in time for Christmas* from here. The perfect £15 gift for Guido fans like Sir Michael White, Peter Hain, Liam Fox, Tom Watson and (they do a tailored ladies version) Melissa Kite.

UPDATE : Just confirming a venue. Will get back to you all shortly.

*2008

Lunch with Thatcher

Just got back from lunch. On the table next to me was a denim clad Carol Thatcher. Obviously Guido listened in to her conversation. She was drinking rosé with a younger Latino, possibly South American guy, bemoaning the tax man. "No the money in Switzerland is in my own name" was the tone of the conversation. Out of respect for her mother and a shared loathing for the Inland Revenue, Guido will leave it at that. She definitely has no luck with men - she split the bill...

Hungover.

Badly.

LibDems Support Tots for Tots

The Romsey Redhead herself, Sandra Gidley, is fighting the good fight against the scourge of tee-totalism. Guido has just received her press release commenting on Alcohol Concern's call for parents who give alcohol to under-15s to face prosecution. The LibDem Health spokesperson says "Watching adults drink responsibly can actually encourage young people to have a more mature attitude to alcohol." So Donald James Kennedy will be alright.

Guido's mother used to dip his soother in rum, never did Guido any harm...

New Government Advice Incorrect

“Avoid alcohol if you are pregnant or trying to conceive” - shome mishtake shurely, many of us were actually conceived as a result of alcohol....

Bidding Breaks a Monkey!

Last bid £510. Half-an-hour to go... last chance to place your bids ladies and gentlemen...

UPDATE : £577 with a minute to go.

UPDATE : The winner has paid up already - via the magic of Ebay and Paypal - Katy and Guido will be making contact to make arrangements. Congratulations to a very generous bidder.

Red Nose Auction, 5 Hours Left : £450 Latest Bid for a Boozy Friday Lunch with Guido and Katy

You have just 5 hours left to bid on Ebay for Guido and Katy...

Details here. Don't forget you can now also bid on a Co-conspirator Guido T-shirt. (Profits going to Red Nose Day)

Red Nose Day Charity Auction£330 Latest Bid for a Boozy Friday Lunch with Guido and Katy

C'mon co-conspirators, surely it is worth more than £330 to enjoy the company of Katy and Guido?

You have 48 hours left to bid on Ebay for Guido and Katy...

Details here.


UPDATE : You can now also bid on a Co-conspirator Guido T-shirt. (Profits going to Red Nose Day)

Red Nose Day Charity AuctionBid for a Boozy Friday Lunch with Guido and Katy

It has been said that Guido and Katy Taylor-Richards are truly legends in their own lunchtimes. Katy is currently on the Daily Express' Hickey gossip column.

Being charitable types we have decided that the best and probably only thing we could do for Red Nose Day is auction ourselves for a fabulously fun Friday lunch involving alcohol and unprintable gossip galore.

The location and date will be determined with the winning buyer. So get your wallets out and bid on Ebay for Guido and Katy...

(Yes, 100% of the money goes to Red Nose Day, auction closes Sunday afternoon.)

Friday Lunch Alert

Guido has somehow managed to get himself into a cruel and unusual situation. No lunch booked on a Friday...

Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

Guido's kidneys ache and every pore of his body still oozes vodka and Red Bull.

No sign of the mobile phone, glasses, or credit cards. (Co-conspirators should contact Guido on the Irish mobile).

Anyone got any ideas for the Friday picture caption contest?