By-Election, What By-Election Prime Minister?

Guido can imagine Stephen Carter telling a heavily sedated Brown on Wednesday after PMQs of the plans for the weekend:-

Carter : We're going somewhere nice for the weekend, get some sunshine. We have booked a trip to the Eden Project in the South West, Cornwall, then on to Plymouth.

Brown: [rocking in his chair] What about the by-election? Where is it?

Carter: No by-election PM, we are going to see the flowers in Cornwall and visit an old peoples home in Plymouth. Take it easy, have a weekend break.

Gordon is on an official visit to Plymouth, which is 251 miles away from Crewe. Brown couldn't be further away if he went to Edinburgh (242 miles), in any event he wouldn't want to go for a weekend rest in Edinburgh now it is under Salmond's control and Wendy is rebelling against him.

Whereas Cameron and Clegg are up in Crewe and Nantwich backing their candidates to the hilt, taking every local photo-op available, Brown's handlers are keeping him as far out of sight as possible. No doubt fearful of the inevitable consequences of the Jonah curse of the one eyed son of the manse...

UPDATE : At the old people's home, Gordon was introduced to Maisie Wright, 94. "Hello, I'm Gordon Brown, the prime minister" he said as he proffered his hand. "That's nice" replied Maisie, "Wilf over there thinks he is Jesus Christ." Old, but good.

Meltdown : Brown Beaten by Calamity Clegg

On Wednesday Brown mocked Nick Clegg as a calamity, so how must it feel to be beaten by him this morning? The BBC is projecting the Conservatives will have 44%, the Liberal Democrats 25% and Labour last on 24%.

Labour are projected to lose over 200 seats, a meltdown performance not seen for over a generation. Brown is nowhere to be seen this morning and all the claims of the Brownies ring hollow - their line was that in times of economic difficulty voters would cling to Gordon's authority and economic competence. Oh, no they didn't...

These are real votes, not poll results and if repeated at a general election would give the Tories some 400 seats at Westminster and a majority of 138.

Highlights of last night were Richard Littlejohn bitch-slapping Polly Toynbee into silence on Question Time, Geoff Hoon making a Comical Ali style tit of himself and the surreal idiocy of the BBC's Jeremy Vine dressed up in a cowboy suit making a fool of himself. The Guidoisation of public service broadcasting is perhaps not the best direction for them to go...

From 2330 until 0230 this site had a live chat running which had 744 viewers making instant comments which was great fun as the night wore on. Great fun which we will seek to repeat during PMQs in the future.

Jonah Brown Goes to America, Dollar Crashes to All Time Low

The Jonah effect is becoming scary, Gordon lands in America in the morning and the dollar crashes to an all time historic low by lunchtime. There really is something in this - within weeks of him becoming PM the country was hit by terror fire, pestilence and floods. He is a curse on everything he touches.

U.S. Visit Front Page News

Guido has checked the front pages of the New York Times, Washington Post, New York Post, the CNN and Drudge websites. The visit of his Holiness the Pope is everywhere. The visit of his twattyness the PM is nowhere to be seen. Not on front pages, not on inside pages. Nowhere.

Gordon has hired a high-powered PR team and they don't even think to avoid a scheduling clash with Pope Benedict - which was always going to be the big box office draw. Gordon was giving delusional interviews yesterday lauding his important role as "a bridge to Europe". Laughable.

UPDATE : According to Nick Robinson this morning, British Embassy officials admit they didn't know the Pope was coming to Washington at the same time. The British Embassy n Washington is the biggest and most expensive outpost of the FCO. Well done chaps...

Brown Dithers Over OlympicsNow Not Going, but Not Boycotting Either

Two weeks ago the line from Downing Street was:

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published Thursday March 27th, 2008

LONDON - British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says Britain will not boycott the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics.

After being humiliated by Kevin Rudd, (the Aussie PM) and Chinese Goons in Downing Street Gordon can't now straight forwardly answer this simple question:

Q. Will you boycott the opening ceremony of the Chinese Olympics in protest at their policies in Tibet?

A. No I will not be boycotting the opening ceremony, I will not, however, be attending.

It is the will he / won't he farce of the signing of the Lisbon treaty all over again. Trying to have it both ways because he is afraid to decide. This from the man who has his name on two books on "courage".

He is however thinking of attending the closing ceremony. A couple of weeks ago we were told he would be attending because the "Dalai Lama himself.. yada yada yada bullshit spin and dither". Why can't he just be decisive one way or the other?

UPDATE : After Channel 4 News led on this story yesterday evening both Ben Brogan on the Daily Mail and Nick Robinson were clearly telephoned by the Brownies last night to be briefed that the position was always that the Ditherer was not going to the opening ceremony. A point they have faithfully conveyed. Something that, as far as Guido can determine, we were never told by them before. So the Press Association and many others got it wrong two weeks ago. We were never at war with Eurasia, Eurasia has always been our ally.

Gordon's Natural Authority

Day 2 of the Progressive Governance Conference (Summit), sees a press turnout lower than expected. The four coaches laid on by the FCO to transport eager hacks to listen in on Gordon and chums sit empty in the car park of the Ramada Inn, the press assembly point. The last one arrived at the Grove bearing just two hacks. Officials were overheard optimistically talking up the possibility of a rush ahead of the noon press conference.

The joy of the live feed is that we can see what's going on in the Progressive Governance summit. So, for instance, as they come back in from their coffee break, Gordon has so far asked his fellow world leaders three times to stop chatting ("Can we please sit down and begin now!") with all the effectiveness of a trainee teacher at a supply school, and the general delighted mockery of the press tent. The mutated swastika logo is nowhere to be seen now...

Andrew Grice in the Indy this morning tells us why:

There was an embarrassing hiccup before Gordon's arrival: the logo for today's summit of world leaders bore an uncanny resemblance to a Nazi swastika. Downing Street removed the logo from its website and ordered the designers to come up with a new one. "It would be totally wrong to read anything sinister into the intentions of the designers," said a No 10 spokeswoman.

It would, however, be right to laugh at their serial incompetence.

Gordon Loses His Way Again With the PLP

Sky's Jon Craig didn't come into the Lobby to have his advice ignored. Last night the PM's advance security detachment asked him which door Gordon should use to enter the PLP meeting. "The Chairman's Entrance," Craig told him. "The PM always uses the Chairman's Entrance."

Ian Austin, PPS to Gordon, ignored the advice leading the PM in via the "Members' Entrance", which, according to Craig;

plunged them into a throng of Labour MPs and peers waiting to hear the PM rather than to the platform from where he was due to speak, they emerged, sheepish and embarrassed, and headed for the "Chairman's Entrance".

"Gordon's got lost again!" shouted one wag among the political journalists in the corridor. And indeed he had.

If only the Prime Minister, his PPS and his detective had listened to me.

Guido is compiling a (shades of Dale) list of the top twatty Mr Bean things that Mr Brown has done.

Going on the list are:

1. Reading from an autocue obscuring his face at his "Gordon for Britain" launch.
2. Tucking his trousers into his sock.
3. Getting lost at Windsor Castle Dinner for Sarkozy to the amusement of Her Majesty.
4. Locking himself in the toilet and having to ring Blair on his mobile to get him out.
5. Absent mindedly picking his nose for two minutes on the front bench on budget day 2007 in full view of the Tory ranks and TV viewers.
6. Getting entangled in balloons at a photo-op.
7. After an interview with Adam Boulton in India, getting up and walking into a plant pot.
8. Forgetting the access codes for his own office resulting in a No. 10 armed security response unit rushing to find him in his nightie.
9. Telling the same anecdotal jokes time and again and still screwing them up.
10. Trusting Blair to keep his word after the Granita dinner.

Any more twatty things? In the comments please...

Where's Gordon?™ "PM Got Lost" Says Her Majesty

Remember when he locked himself in a bathroom and had to be rescued by Blair? Or when he first became PM and was found at 5 a.m. downstairs in his dressing gown by armed police who had rushed to the scene outside his office after he forgot his security code? Mr Bean is the best description.

Bottler Gives Remaindered "Courage" Book to African Kids

In an attempt to shift remaindered copies of his vanity published book on "Courage" Gordon is today giving away copies to Ugandan school children.

Whose brilliant idea was that? The travelling press pack are laughing at him. As many co-conspirators have pointed out in the comments, what is it with Gordon and photo-ops at schools. Do his media team have any other ideas? It just looks awkward, him smiling away at the kids and forcing his book on them.

What did the kids do to deserve this treatment?

Gordon Has Bottled It

The author of a book on Courage, the genius tactician, has bottled it. Gordon marched his troops to the top of the hill, and then he ran away.

The Brownies* will claim that they are "getting on with the job" but they have done nothing but electioneer, they are not governing, they are campaigning and spinning non-stop. They are more focused on good headlines than good governance.

Oh well, Guido has taken quite a few quid off those betting on an early election and that "Tories to be the biggest party" bet looks a lot better now.

Gordon's judgement, to not simply squash the speculation, will be in question and his authority much reduced after this, Cameron called him on it without reservation. Dave didn't flinch, Gordon just blinked...

*No longer will Guido use the macho sounding term Brownites, these are the Brownies. Compared to the Blairites, we really are dealing with the B-team.

Where's Gordon?™ 4

Benedict Brogan and Adam Boulton shout the traditional cry which goes out when trouble is about - "Where's Gordon?™". Guido suspects Gordon will stay hiding behind the sofa if there are still queues outside branches of the Northern Rock or the Alliance & Leicester this morning. If there are no queues he'll show his "courage".

The open ended government guarantee promise is unprecedented. It could prove to be insane. If the housing market drops dramatically, mortgage repossessions could become even more endemic than they already are, with the result that the government could be left losing tens of billions of taxpayers funds. Bear in mind that Greenspan expects double digit percentage falls in house prices. Of course all we know of the terms is that Alastair Darling says "his word is his bond". (He also said last week there was no problem with Northern Rock.) Equitable Life's unfunded pensioners know the value of the government's implicit rather than explicit guarantees. Zilch...

Brown Bonks Bonce

Nick Robinson and all the rest of the Lobby will be in full-on pontification mode today in Washington.

Yet again it falls to Guido to get the important news: Gordon Brown banged his head against the door frame as he boarded the Presidential helicopter. Perhaps he misunderstood and was over-excited to be on his way to see Camp David?

Billions spent on the BBC news gathering operation and they miss the big story again.

Downing Street Sore Losers Ignore Scotland

Tony Blair has congratulated Rhodri Morgan in Wales. The Queen even went to Scotland to meet and greet the new Scottish First Minister. The Irish PM, Bertie Ahern, has found time out from negotiating his coalition to also congratulate Alex Salmond.

Gordon, ever the sore loser, has not had the grace to congratulate his winning opponent. So his own home constituency is no longer in Labour hands, his own country is no longer in Labour hands for the first time in half-a-century, but is that any reason to be so grumpy and graceless? He will have to work with the SNP when he is PM. Whatever happened to his new politics, humbly listening to the people?

Video report on GuyNews.TV

Brown's "Engagement" Agenda

Jackie Ashley has a gushing interview with Gordon in the Guardian this morning where we learn that he really loves being called Prime Minister* and that

"Brown believes the days of political parties as 'small organisations of people who are accused of talking to themselves' are over. In future, constituency parties will become local hubs, building links with other networks and groups, and using new technology to reach out way beyond their usual supporters... There are so many different forms of communication - writing, phoning, the internet - at the moment we're not doing enough to keep people informed and to show people that when they have a view, we're prepared to listen to them."

Over at GordonBrown.Org, free from civil service restrictions, and even the old clunking party bureaucracy, he shows us the actual proof of the sincerity of his internet "engagement agenda".

How is he doing at keeping people informed about his exciting campaign-hub-network-thingy for Britain? Well their feeble copy of the original Where's Gordon?™ has only 4 reports of his whereabouts in 20 days, the original managed daily updates. The thousands of votes for a discussion on the NHS are ignored, there is no discussion. The whole site is as dead as wooden rocking horse, it is an ex-listening, ex-campaigning website. His whole "engaging online" guff is all bullshit, he doesn't need to win votes so the whole need to engage is just tiresome. Guido knows WebCameron and WebGordon is no WebCameron.

Gordon now has no need to listen, no need to engage, no need to win a mandate from his party or the wider electorate. He will assume power and we will just have to lump it.

*In under a month the preciousss will be his, the sun will be darkened across the land and the English will be cursed with a new Scottish tyranny. Probably.

Gordon's Campaign Site

As Dizzy first broke (and Gordon's people denied and lied about) the Silverfish owned site GordonBrownforBritain.com has been launched. It has as always, pictures of Gordon with children and a Where is Gordon? google map. A Where's Gordon?™ Google map is not an innovative idea. Do they have any original ideas?

Here's Gordon...

The Dead-Tree-Press in the shape of the Guardian's Martin Kettle and even the Daily Mail have hopped on the Where's Gordon?™ Meme. Particularly enjoyed this morning's Where's Gordo game featuring a naked Gordon- which seems to have been pulled from their website this afternoon. Did it displease Dacre?

The shiny all new GordonBrown.org and GordonBrownforBritiain.com* websites will launch tomorrow. Remember the denial put out by Silverfish, about buying domains on behalf of Gordon? Silverfish's Mark Lucas claimed it was speculative, nothing to do with Gordon, they were building up a portfolio of internet domains and flying pigs etc.

In truth they were acting on the direct instructions of Gordon's charmless spinmeister Damian McBride, to buy up websites for Gordon's campaign. All will be revealed tomorrow. Guido hopes Silverfish come up with something better than "Dave the Chameleon" this time. Gordon needs all the help he can get...

UPDATE : ConservativeHome is reporting that the bogeyman will be doing photo-ops in Stevenage and Basildon tomorrow, the seats of Labour MPs Barbara Follett and Angela Smith respectively.

*There are a few others as well. Silverfish bought some of them off lucky owners for substantial sums.

Gordon Finally Sighted at PMQs!

BBC's Daily Politics took the piss this morning with a "Where's Gordon?" piece.

UPDATE : GuyNews.TV will have the Daily Politics' "Where's Gordon?" Jenny v Yvette excerpt later..

Brown to Surface on Friday?

Guido understands that after the meeting of the PLP on Thursday ballot papers will be made available and that Gordon will launch his "campaign" on Friday. Presumably Blair will be in Sedgefield Thursday morning to tell his constitutency the shock news. That certainly seems to be the consensus of the Lobby.

Brown will spin that his media black-out has been necessary to give Blair a clear run to the exit, not to avoid association with the Scottish election results...

Where's Gordon?™ Epilogue

Guido took the time to graphically track Gordon during the Scottish election campaign just in case he tried to shirk responsibility for the outcome. It was intended to map for all to see his day-by-day close involvement. It says something that Guido's suspicions were great enough to motivate such uncharacteristic diligence.

Look at the situation today; the soon to be leader of the Labour party and next PM is travelling around in vehicles with blacked-out windows, maintaining a media black-out and waiting quietly out of sight until the news agenda moves on. He does not show public humility to the electorate, does not defiantly climb the ramparts to rally the Labour party and inspire his troops with well judged oratory - all of which would show leadership. His response perfectly illustrates his calculating personality, he makes himself invisible when trouble is about. What would he have done in the immediate aftermath of September 11th, 2001 if he were prime minister? Invite some wonks to Downing Street to hold a private study seminar? Blair showed leadership, he judged the moment and acted, he told the world that we would fight terrorism and America that we would stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them. Blair acted decisively.

Gordon Brown simply does not have the empathy required to make that kind of judgement or ironically the courage to take the risks. He has held on to his goal of power with an obssessive determination and pure malevolence towards rivals. The author of "Courage : Eight Portraits" has worked deviously and cravenly towards his ultimate goal. He has invariably dispatched his enemies indirectly without taking them on personally.

The Labour party is mesmerised, the party elite all know the true nature of Gordon, just as another party elite in another century knew the true nature of Stalin. The public will never warm to him, the more they study him, the less they like him. Even his allies make excuses for his personality flaws.

He is darkly forceful, unnatural in his ways and it says something profound that he is personified as a great clunking fist.

Where's Gordon?™The Trail of his Scottish Campaign from Beginning to End

The author of "Courage : Eight Portraits" is, as predicted, nowhere to be seen today - unlike the last 30 days of campaigning when he was never out of a photo-op, usually well away from hostile voters and in the middle of children. Since the voters have opted for the SNP over Gordon's Scottish Labour, he can hardly claim that the negative election result was down to Blair. He was all over Scotland for the duration of the campaign.

So why is he in hiding now? There is talk that he is depressed, that internally he realises he has the loser gene. That is the way it looks today.

Click below to interactively follow Gordon's journey to defeat.
Click on any day to find out what he did, when and where.

Hat-tip : Javelin for "Invisible Gordon"