Comments on Guy Fawkes' blog of parliamentary plots, rumours and conspiracy: Barred by the Blogosphere from Bars and Pubs

I note that Cameron drinks in all the right pubs t...

2008-03-29T08:56:00.000Z

I note that Cameron drinks in all the right pubs these days!

Anon @ 5:21 - it was funnier in last week's Torygr...

2008-03-28T19:30:00.000Z

Anon @ 5:21 - it was funnier in last week's Torygraph, but good try.

I'm Darling the nerd, that's meChancellor - you'll...

2008-03-28T13:34:00.000Z

I'm Darling the nerd, that's me
Chancellor - you'll have heard of me...
These eyebrows I'm hiding beneath
Al, the Finance minister
Yet they call me Al sinister
And I'm desperate for bloody relief

I walk down the Strand with my tax bag in hand
Then I walk down again with it hid
Though I try to disguise the despair in my eyes
With eyebrows like two funeral wreaths
I've no airs and graces and know where me place is

But I'm without booze so long now
I've forgotten where my face is

....Oh, God!....

I'm Al, Al, can I be your pal?
I'm such a nice bloke underneath.
But everyone hates me from HM to Rose West, you see
They call me Minister Al sinister from Leith!

I'm Minister Al Sinister,
Booze tax I administer
I take off up west for a sup
I stroll behind dark glasses
Shit, recognised - what a farce this is
How long before my game is up?

Peer of Lords'n'Ladies
Yet feel I'm in Hades
Champagne in the Burlington?
Nope, I'm kicked out again
No pub will admit me
They'll soon have to commit me
And Paxman keeps angrily barring his teeth at me
Cos I'm the sinister Minister from Leith

Ex-Minister to the Dft
I smile unconvincingly
While Stansted's extending me
Jeer upon jeer...whenever I appear
My wife's done a flit on me
Cabinet colleagues, they just sit on me

Please, please! Harrass me no more!
Or the eyebrows I'm hiding beneath
Please show some respect for
Minister Al Sinister from Leith

I'm Minister Al Sinister
Creeping along Temple Bar
Shocked to find Banksy's grafittied my car with:
'Minister Al sinister is BARRED from every pub and bar'

Yet I never swank it
Pride, I never drank it
As I sleep on this door step with 'The Mail' for a blanket...
This hat full of coins by my side

I'm the minister who is banned nationwide!

A song from "Oliver" seems appropriate, given that...

2008-03-27T22:13:00.000Z

A song from "Oliver" seems appropriate, given that Mr. Bean is to be the new Fagin (although I can't imagine Brown/Fagin having much use for hankies).

There's a little ditty
They're singing in the City
Especially with the tax on their gin and their beer.
Gordon Brown's a cretin
And Darling he's a-frettin'
He'll take all the blame and be out on his ear.

Oompah-pah, Oompah-pah
That's how it goes.
Oompah-pah, Oompah-pah
Brown picks his nose.
The economy's busted and banks may foreclose
But Brown just goes
Oompah-pah.

Drink! Drink! Drink!To Darling's dismay when he's ...

2008-03-27T21:26:00.000Z

Drink! Drink! Drink!
To Darling's dismay when he's banned from all pubs in our land
Drink! Drink! Drink!
To the day when we're no longer gripped by nulab's iron hand

Drink! Drink!
Let the toast start!
Drink! Drink!
Gladden our hearts
Drink! Drink! Drink!
To the day when nulabour departs!

Drink! Drink! Drink!
To Broon's dismay when he's finally banged up with Blair
Drink! Drink! Drink!
To the day when Broon and nulabour are no longer there!

Drink! Drink!
Let the toast start!
Drink! Drink!
People take heart
Drink! Drink! Drink!
To the day when nulabour departs!

just to let everyone know that both mr Alistair Da...

2008-03-27T19:50:00.000Z

just to let everyone know that both mr Alistair Darling and mr Gordon Brown are banned from Eddies Bar at both of this years pickering steam fairs.
i wouldnt like to be them if they turn up.
linch mob anybody?

I vow to thee, my country,All earthly things above...

2008-03-27T14:35:00.000Z

I vow to thee, my country,
All earthly things above,
In Northern Rock and Stamp Duty,
And even in the pub.
A pub that asks no questions,
A pub that pays the price,
Where the landlord is struggling,
Under taxes like a vice.
A pub that's not a wine bar,
A pub that serves real ale,
That's laboured under Labour
On a monumental scale.

But there's another country,
I've heard of long ago,
Where the tax is on White Lightning,
But rarely on Merlot.
The PM has a mandate,
The Chancellor has one too,
And when they've made a promise,
They'll always keep it true.
We may well like a tipple,
We like a damn good smoke,
But bugger Brown and Darling,
Their Government's a joke.

Sing to the tune of The Jam's , Going Underground....

2008-03-27T14:16:00.000Z

Sing to the tune of The Jam's , Going Underground.

Some people might say I'm a stupid cunt,
But I'm quite happy with the insults that I got
People might say I should strive for more,
But I'm so happy to be a bum boy.
Something's happening here today,
I go banned from the pub and the queens parade,
I'm so happy that you're a whore,
You want more money - let's rise taxes some more
To buy nuclear reactors from the French of course
And the public gets all the cunts it got,
But I'm quite happy to eat all my snot,

I'm going underground (going underground)
Where the press don't see what I'm fumbling for
Going underground (going underground)
Where the rent boys play and hearts a pounding, same tomorrow?

To the tune of 'Oh my Darling, Clementine'.In the ...

2008-03-27T14:07:00.000Z

To the tune of 'Oh my Darling, Clementine'.

In the bars and public houses,
Just before the bell for time,
We'll sit back and bolt the door shut,
And sing of Darlings crime

Oh my Darling, Oh my Darling,
Oh my Darling, what a crime,
You are barred and done forever,
Dreadful sorry, tho' what a crime.

Light he was on gold n' silver,
looking for that extra dime,
he saw the drinkers, thought 'they're stinkers',
So he robbed them - 'what a crime!'

Oh my Darling, Oh my Darling,
Oh my Darling, what a crime,
You are barred and done forever,
Dreadful sorry, tho' what a crime.

Now the drinkers, being thinkers,
Can see that its a crime,
So they barred him from his local,
he's a devious, thieving swine.

Refrain etc...

Making your way as chancellor today takes everythi...

2008-03-27T12:26:00.000Z

Making your way as chancellor today takes everything you've got,
robbing some dough from innocent drinkers sure would help a lot,

wouldn't you like to get away (with it)?

sometimes you want to go
where nobody knows your name
and they're always glad you came
you don't wanna see face on the sign
that tells you that you're barred
you wanna be where nobody knows your name

Dear Mr DarlingDear Mr DarliingYou're not welcome ...

2008-03-27T12:22:00.000Z

Dear Mr Darling

Dear Mr Darliing
You're not welcome here
We're fed up
Cos you put up our beer

Very Sorry dear darling
You are banned from here
Very sorry dear Darling
For you putting up our beer

Not impressed by yer new budget
And your consistent efforts
To make our life a sober bore

Why don't you shave your eyebrows
So you can see clear
That you've made a mistake
Putting up our beer

You're banned, You're not welcome
Stay outta my pub
Cause you've spoilt
Something that we love

We'll take a drink
Hoping for your demise
We're fed up
with being victimised

Very Sorry dear darling
You are banned from here
Very sorry dear Darling
For you putting up our beer

Very Sorry dear darling
You are banned from here
Very sorry dear Darling

Gordon called when he gave the word,And he said: "...

2008-03-27T12:21:00.000Z

Gordon called when he gave the word,
And he said: "I suppose you've heard -
About Alis".
When I rushed to the window,
And I looked outside,
And I could hardly believe my eyes -
As a removal van rolled up
Outside number eleven...

And I know just why he's leaving,
And where he's gonna go:
He wouldn’t stop his thieving
And he didn't want to know,
'Cos for eleven long years
We've been paying more tax to Alis.
Eleven long years just paying more and more,
Watching all our money get blown my him and his mate Gor,
Now he’s taxing our booze and that’s the last straw, for Alis...

Three pence more on a pint
And more on a dram,
We threw all our battles,
Out of the pram,
Straight at Alis.
If he walks through the door,
Just tell him he’s barred,
We’ve had enough and we’ve marked his card,
As a removal van pulls slowly
Out of Downing Street.

And I know just why he's leaving
And where he's gonna go:
He wouldn’t stop his thieving
And he didn't want to know,
'Cos for eleven long years
We've been paying more tax to Alis.
Eleven long years just paying more and more,
Watching all our money get blown my him and his mate Gor,
Now he’s taxing our booze and that’s the last straw, for Alis...

And Gordon called back and asked how I felt,
And he said: "I know how to help -
Get rid of Alis".
I said: "Now Alis is gone,
But you’re still here,
You’ve been taxing me
For eleven long years.
It’s about time that you disappeared.”

And I know just why he's leaving
And where he's gonna go:
He wouldn’t stop his thieving
And he didn't want to know,
'Cos for eleven long years
We've been paying more tax to Alis.
Eleven long years just paying more and more,
Watching all our money get blown my him and his mate Gor,
Now he’s taxing our booze and that’s the last straw, for Alis...

But he’s taxing our booze and that’s the last straw, for Alis...

Now he’s taxing our booze and that’s the last straw, for Alis...

That's enough fucking boring songs, Ed!

2008-03-27T11:07:00.000Z

That's enough fucking boring songs, Ed!

The problem is all inside our heads,He said to me:...

2008-03-27T10:34:00.000Z

The problem is all inside our heads,
He said to me:
I believe that we will see that
if we take it logically
We all need help in our struggle
to be free
There must be
50 ways to ban a chancellor

We just hide down the back, Jack
Don't give him the plan, Stan
We don't need the ol'boy, Roy
Just listen to me,
Bung him back on the bus, Gus
We don't need to discuss much
Don't give him the key, Lee
And then we'll be free.

He said: it grieves me so
that we are all pain
There must be something we can do
to make him feel the same
We said: we're with you there
so will you please explain
About the fifty ways?

He said: why don’t we all just
drink on it tonight
And I believe that in the morning
we'll all agree I'm right
And then he poured another drink
you know - he probably is right
There must be fifty ways
To ban a chancellor

chorus

I saw the poster on the night that I passed by the...

2008-03-27T10:20:00.000Z

I saw the poster on the night that I passed by the pub window
I saw the flickering shadow of smokers stood outside
He was the taxman
As he robbed me I watched and went out of my mind

My my my M'Darling
Why why why M'Darling
I could see, that Chancellor was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free

At break of day when my throat felt like hay I was waiting
I crossed the street to the pub and He opened the door
He stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and he laughed no more

My my my M'Darling
Die die die M'Darling
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me M'Darling I just couldn't take any more
Forgive me NuLabour we just couldn't take any more

Off topic, but I can't think of a better place to ...

2008-03-27T09:46:00.000Z

Off topic, but I can't think of a better place to post it:

The Curse of Broon strikes again!

Hansard, 19 Mar 2008 : Column 928
“And in Iraq, where we have already brought electricity and water supplies to more than 1 million citizens, we are stepping up our contribution to the work of long-term economic reconstruction by supporting the Basra development commission, led for the British by the businessman, Michael Wareing, who is doing an excellent job.”

25th March:
Basra in chaos as Iraqi Government forces move in to remove Sadrist loyalists. All visits by Westerners are halted, and reconstruction work ceases indefinitely.

Oh how sweet, what a Darling little competition. ...

2008-03-27T09:43:00.000Z

Oh how sweet, what a Darling little competition. Perhaps Snotgobbler could pick the winner, or alternatively the winning entry.

"Tory Boy Never Grow Up"You come on this blog and ...

2008-03-27T08:24:00.000Z

"Tory Boy Never Grow Up"

You come on this blog and act all disdainful...so why visit?

You know - in your crusty heart - that the right have got all the best jokes and all the right answers. You know Labour are a busted flush. In your wake for New labour why don't you submit a singalong to Guido's competition.

Too fuckin' stupid?

Slightly off topic - with The Apprentice starting ...

2008-03-27T07:54:00.000Z

Slightly off topic - with The Apprentice starting again last night, what scope might there be for a video spoof for You Tube that interlinks clips of solemn looking Cabinet ministers with clips of Sir Alan Sugar ranting and raving? The image of Brown, Darling and all the rest being told "You're fired" would be a joy to behold.

Anon 5:21pm - better 'n the originalMitch 6.45pm -...

2008-03-27T06:44:00.000Z

Anon 5:21pm - better 'n the original

Mitch 6.45pm - Silver medal

is it worth the aggrivation to find yourself a job...

2008-03-27T03:57:00.000Z

is it worth the aggrivation to find yourself a job when there's nothing worth working for?

they took our fags now our booze.. and we sing:

make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

shameless lift, hard fall down . .

all we live for is cigarettes & alcohol, but my darling,
Stop. .
dont take us on we are king .

Money, not a dimeyou spend it carefully, but still...

2008-03-27T03:37:00.000Z

Money, not a dime
you spend it carefully, but still they squander all the pie.

Money, don't fly
Invest it save it, but still you work until you die.

Money, you must pay,
To the council scum and the mortgage mafia, toooday

But if you beg for some more time
It no surprising they take the keys away.

Awaay awaaay Awaaaahaaaay awaaay

thomas the tank engine cont"the london branch" it ...

2008-03-27T02:44:00.000Z

thomas the tank engine cont

"the london branch"

it was a beastly day at central station on sodor , the driech director was in a foul mood having just had to take some questions.the logistic manger malloch brown had been giving the driech director advice , but was shitting it on any questions on Tibet.

the driech director went to see KEN who ran the london branch of the network.KEN was a soviet era combustion engine who was running on a special fuel known as tax payers highland malt. the driech director had promised KEN continuation of the london franchise , but the people were wondering if the more eco friendly tree loving BORIS was a better bet.
BORIS had been telling people about how much the little known and private use GLA sidings and offices were costing them. KEN had errupted loads of smoke and consumed a lot of tax payers malt in a fit of rage. KEN had only just got rid of money shunt buddy lee jasper to try and show he was clean , so the last thing he needed was BORIS finding any more funding shit going on.

the driech director was shitting it also, as it looked like another branch of the british council , which had forced the exposure of the kinochio family franchise communist proganda delivery service which had been making a few quid .

"next episode thomas thinks dr tanya is specters witch assasin eva clebb off from russia with love"

Sounds like Gordon's got form for drinking out pub...

2008-03-27T01:49:00.000Z

Sounds like Gordon's got form for drinking out public houses:

The Old Dun Cow

Some friends and I in a public house
Was playing a game of chance one night
When into the pub a fireman ran
His face all a chalky white.
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost,
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?"
"Me Aunt Mariah be buggered!", says he,
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!"

And there was Brown upside down
Lappin'' up the whiskey on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried
As they came knockin' on the door (clap clap)
Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire.

"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck.
Everybody follow me.
And it's down to the cellar
If the fire's not there
Then we'll have a grand old spree."
So we went on down after good old Brown
The booze we could not miss
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more
Till we were quite pissed.

Then, Smith walked over to the port wine tub
And gave it just a few hard knocks (clap clap)
Started takin' off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks.
"Hold on, " says Brown, "that ain't allowed
Ya cannot do that thing here.
Don't go washin' trousers in the port wine tub
When we got Guinness beer."

Then there came from the old back door
The Vicar of the local church.
And when he saw our drunken ways,
He began to scream and curse.
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You've taken to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn't save a drop for me!"

And then there came a mighty crash
Half the bloody roof caved in.
We were almost drowned in the firemen's hose
But still we were gonna stay.
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks
And we nailed ourselves inside
And we sat drinking the finest Rum
Till we were bleary-eyed.

Later that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below.
Our pub was burned. Our booze was drunk.
Our heads was hanging low.
"Oh look", says Brown with a look quite queer.
Seems something raised his ire.
"Now we gotta get down to Murphy's Pub,
It closes on the hour!"

Spotted this elsewhere:"Frankly my Darling I don't...

2008-03-27T01:04:00.000Z

Spotted this elsewhere:
"Frankly my Darling I don't give a Dram!"