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Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday Caption Contest (Shaking Hands of History Edition)

154 comments:

Guido Fawkes said...

"Possibly the toughest caption contest of all time."

winston said...

It's hard work teasing out those bogeys

Dungeekin said...

"Sorry about the dirt - I haven't washed these since I last fisted Ed Balls".

Dick the Prick said...

This is how big my support is

Bill Quango MP said...

Why do youbite your nails?

Because I can't reach my cock.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Gordons hands after being caught in the till

Mr Jones said...

To Paraphrase
Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!— Yet who would have thought the ECONOMY to
have had so much blood in it?

Anonymous said...

Nose picking can seriously damage your fingers.

william norton said...

For hands to dig you out of ditches and so save your face: mouldy green, Fairy, illiquid.

cloistered hookers said...

After another hard day 'magicking' Baps into Currant-Buns,Gordon reposed,quietly satisfied.

45govt said...

"My new teeth are causing havoc, but these poor ruined stumps are still my finest feature, if you take the rest into account"

Miranda said...

With all the trouble he's in, wouldnt' you be biting your nails?

Anonymous said...

Gordon chewing his nails again! That boy is a continuing disappointment.

Anonymous said...

"Goatsee Gordon" fails again

Anonymous said...

Picking your ring piece again Broon?

Anonymous said...

and this is how we masturbate in scotland!

Gary Elsby said...

At the prospect of Bubba, sand and baby oil.

Judge Elvis said...

How about "The Hand That Crocks The Cradle"

thank fuck i'm not an inbred scotch twat said...

Gobshite Brown:

Jesus, I had my hands up simon's, oops, I mean Sarah's arse this morning and they had a lovely Hain like glow about them. Fuck me, half an hour later i'm giving Ed a hand job in the office, the bastard comes like a fucking volcano all over my hands and now look at the fucking state of them! I knew the cunt was toxic but this is just ridiculous.

bog said...

Neurotic with shit-splattered fingers who frequently visits hospitals revealed as source of MRSA outbreak.

Anonymous said...

Hanging on by his finger nails?

Not any more.

gildredtumbrils said...

These fingers and nails have dug more meat
out of my nose than there is on Tamsin...

Jimbo said...

I've bitten off more than I can chew....

Anonymous said...

Took 17 tries before getting a shot where they weren't shaking.

Anonymous said...

Finger lickin` good!

Anonymous said...

The body twisted gently in the light breeze from the open window. Detectives found this picture clutched in the corpse' stiffening fingers. Across the photograph Gordon Brown's manicurist had scribbled the words "The F...... bastard never listens to anybody!"

i spy strangers said...

Bloody hell - I've been rolling this one for a full 5 minutes and it's still too sticky to flick at Cameron!

dr wolf said...

Broon takes up yoga with the aim of harvesting his toe-nails next.

George Street said...

Mmm...these tags are more difficult to remove than I thought. I know, I'll ask Guido . . .

backwoodsman said...

The house matrons' report expressed satisfaction that young gordon had ceased the unsavoury practice of knawing his knuckles when he found his prep too difficult.

Grunthos the Flatulent said...

Left hand to right hand.

"OK, so we can't get a finger far enough in to reach the brain, I say we just throttle the bastard together."

George Street said...

Where's the rest of his body? Has he been shoplifting in Dubai?

Bill Quango MP said...

Dave asks ' Does the Prime Minister bite his nails?'

"Over the last ten years you will see that these nails were the envy of Europe.
These fingernails experienced sustained long term growth over the beauty period.
These hands have had record levels
of employment, poking into matters that needn't concern a government, and picking over the wreckage of our policies.
There has been more finger pointing, by myself, at Thatcherism which was only 18 years ago remember.
That's why, that's why, Mr speaker, that's why these nails are so strong now; and able to withstand the pressure coming from America. This Government has always used Revlon, to care for these nails and the future of these nails.I am, even today, getting on with the job of sustaining this impressive record of short term fingernail growth and sustainability.

It is Mr Cameron's glossy false nails that the focus should move on to.
That slick 'Blue Midnight' colour will not fool the voters at the next election.

Mr Cameron

"Mr Speaker, Mr Speaker, he justs massages the fingers. There is nothing smooth here except his own ill judged lies.
This Prime Minister may spend a lot of his time in a bar, but it's not a nail-bar.
His predecessor raised Ministerial manicures to an unprecedented level. A level at which this unelected Tramp of a Prime Minister seems woefully unable to continue. No wonder foreign dignitories recoil from his touch.
Prime Minister, I would urge you to try L'Oreal, as I do , but sadly, You're Not Worth It."

George Street said...

Junior civil servant sacked after 'superglue in paper clip box' trick goes badly wrong.

George Street said...

Gordon won the first heat of the small orange peeling competition easily. The next round - peeling in pocket - would prove more difficult.

Anonymous said...

Maradonna-like

The hand(s) of God?

Anonymous said...

Brown's fingers were in a right state after he'd fisted Bill 'Skipper' Jones during another boring interview that Jones could dine out on for years.....

inamicus said...

"Guido avoids chokey after a nailbiter in Court 2"

George Street said...

Borstal spot reveal Brown as member of elite brotherhood.

machiavelli said...

Gordon: "I have to keep them short for fisting Ed"

mitch said...

Why does Helen keller need two hands to masturbate. She needs one hand to moan.

and Gordon signs "getting on with the job" why should being deaf save you?

Dangermouse said...

Please wash your hands after going to the lavatory....

Watervole said...

We're doomed I tell you, doomed, doomed (spoken in the voice of John Laurie).

George Street said...

Brown was evicted from the annual Auchtermuchty Shadow Puppet Festival after his 'Hibernian Minge' finale.

Parky said...

Despite his unintentional shaking, Gordan still doesn't manage to flick off any dirt.

Watervole said...

Politics is a dirty business...

Penfold said...

Ahh my little bogey, let me roll you into a smooth little ball, and then....... a nice tidbit, to take my mind of the slings and arrows of the disbelievers and narrow minded n
a
y
s
a
y
e
r
s
zzzzz.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not keen on chewing tobacco but I do like to munch on my own shit" said insane mentalist Gorgon Broon as he squidged another dangleberry into a tight ball before popping it into his maw.

Gordon's manicurist said...

Hey, this isn't funny. I'm going out of business here.

Anonymous said...

the martians knew that blue mould on the fingers was the first sign that the "human suits" were failing

Chris said...

This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed at home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none. But,
This little piggy went 11 years with the lowest inflation and interest rates in a generation, delivered growth for 56 consecutive quarters, a million out of child 'poverdy', record investment in health, education...(contd till piggy got home).

George Street said...

This little piggy did a u-turn, this little piggy is re-considering 42 days detention, and this little piggy gets chewed about Crewe and this little piggy can go to the IMF and oh, what a fookin mess....

Jennie Bond said...

"On Great British Menu tomorrow, Gordon prepares a delicious bogey with a fingernail crust and a bic jus"

Penfold said...

....and this will be the thickness of that bastard Guido's neck when i get hold of 'im.
What the fuck that bloody judge meant with a fine, disqualification and tagging when i told him to string the cnut up will be my business, it will my business every waking morning........crunch of tooth breaking under severe pressure.

Eileen Critchley said...

L O V E H A T E

George Street said...

Mrs Lovett's sausages were the best in Westminster.

tapestry said...

Bloomberg -

Brown's Woes

``We are traveling along a bumpy road as the economy rebalances, and monetary policy shouldn't try to prevent that adjustment,'' King said yesterday after the bank released its quarterly report. It ``must focus on bringing inflation back to the target in the medium term.''

Consumer prices in April exceeded the Bank of England's central target for a seventh month.

``Inflation has been the theme driving bond markets lower,'' said Orlando Green, a fixed-income strategist in London at Calyon, the investment-banking unit of Credit Agricole SA. ``The market's been reacting to King's rather hawkish comments.''

The economic slowdown is adding to the woes of Prime Minister Gordon Brown's Labour Party, which suffered its worst local-election performance since the 1970s this month. Brown, Chancellor of the Exchequer for 10 years under his predecessor Tony Blair, vowed today to fight on, saying he is the best person to lead the nation through the slowdown. END.

Those nails and that comment make it look and sound like he fears competition for his job.

George Street said...

Slightly off the comp, but, I've got a revision session at 3 on Gladstone's Land Acts - what the fuck are THEY?

NeoLiberal said...

60-something's hands seeks Finance Bill for long-term relationship. GSOH essential.

George Street said...

Harry and Hermoine looked carefully at the PM's index finger: there it was! The mark of a wizzard! 'Fuck me sideways!' said Hermione - Ron and Harry both obliged.

Sinclair C5 said...

Clunk click every fit.

Anonymous said...

These is part of a photo of a man that gang rapes the UK. We don't have a full image, but his fingers are evidence all over everything in the UK that has got fucked-up.

If you know this man or his associates, call CRIMESTOPPERS now!

Anonymous said...

Sarah says I have to grow at least one nail because she's sick of picking up my dropped pennies.

Oldcragrat said...

Gordon's entire body will eventually disappear into his own mouth to be chewed to death by those horrific gnashers of his. Thus Gordon will eventually eat himeself (while Two Jags looks on with pride and a tinge of jealousy at the one feast he missed out on)

backwoodsman said...

proof that Fairy Liquid doesn't always work

George Street said...

'Psycholgical breakdoon? PSYCHAFOOKINGLOGICAL BREAKDOON? screamed the Prime Minister as he carefully picked up his three inch friend Hamish and stormed out of the Cabinet room.

could it be - adolf hitler? said...

Who was famous for hand shaking?

A D O L F H I T L E R

Both wanted to genocide an entire race, with Hitler it was the Jews with Brown and Labour it is the English. The English are the new jews. Thanks to Europes new undemocratic third Reich.

DaisyPusher said...

.....erm, well, it was like this, see....what was the question? o yes, I remember.....no, wait, I've forgotten...what was I going to say? Nope, no, it's gone....Note to self, keep taking the tablets.

haddock said...

the kind of hands you see on a child

william norton's entry 1:32 PM gets my vote, Fairy, heh heh very droll.

George Street said...

It's Gordon's rap stance - you fucking mongs. He's 'westminsta side innit'

Anonymous said...

L O V E ... H A T E ...

Julian said...

When Wendy asked him to cut his nails for their 'Last Tango In Edinburgh' session, Gordon just could not decide which finger to use ...

George Street said...

Gordon tapped his fingers and waited for the hilarity from Tapestry's (2:41) hilarious contribution to calm down.

Anonymous said...

Gordon's nails, like the English taxpayers, are worn down to the quick.

Dungeekin said...

"When I wake up in the morning, I'm too busy thinking about how I can help (to fuck over) the British Electorate in these troubled times to wash my hands."

Anonymous said...

Even Gordon's "safe pair of hands" were no longer safe

Anonymous said...

Gordon Brown's 'safe pair of hands' faces something of a challenge ...

Tom FD said...

that's revolting. he's setting an even worse example than Jacqui Smith is with the cannabis thing... young children are told to wash their hands by their parents but refuse on the basis that the prime minister doesn't

Anonymous said...

Gordon's moral compass had shrunk to such a small size he had difficulty orienting it.

Anonymous said...

Gordon attempts to masturbate to relieve some of the tension.

Anonymous said...

'in hell! and I'm off on holiday,

With fingers like that he can be my locum. The patients won't know the difference!

Yours sincerely ,

Anxious Gynaecologist.

Gooey Blob said...

Three, four, nine, five, twelvety... damn, I'll have to take my socks off.

i spy strangers said...

Having been rejected by Madame Tussaud's the PM decides on a DIY job. He calculates it will take around 4,200 nose-fulls, but then maths was never his strong point.

DiscoveredJoys said...

"I look at this picture, Watson, and I can immediately make some deductions about the trade and nature of the owner of these hands."

"He is obviously a manual worker who fails to clean his hands. He is probably a grave-digger or docker. The general colour and shape suggests someone from the nothern part of Great Britain, possibly Scotland. The ink smudges suggest that he is clumsy and unfamiliar with a pen, and only extreme poverty has forced him to write, possibly a blackmail letter or a promise to his debtors."

"Upon my soul Holmes! What else can you deduce?"

"Well Watson, the shortness of the nails also suggests a lack of self confidence, and I deduce that he will be happiest working for someone else who can provide the leadership skills he so clearly lacks."

"In short, Watson, he is either a Scottish grave digger trying to extort money from his betters, or he is possibly a Labour Prime Minister."

"That is astounding Holmes! How can you be so certain of your analysis?"

"Its Parliamentary my dear Watson.

Anonymous said...

"You know, its really difficult to pick my nose with nails like these"

OR

"I couldn't open my coffin lid this morning, so I had to scratch my way out. See.."

Anonymous said...

Lesbians supposedly recognise like-minded individuals by examining their clean and manicured fingernails . It would seem that closet homosexuals differ from lesbians in this regard.

warriormonk said...

prisoner 846729 moved his fingers nervously as Diddy-Mac and Tyrone approached him in the canteen...

R.Swipe said...

If Gordon wants to win the next election - he needs to fiddle with a few more digits than this!

Leg-iron said...

'They can't buy food? Let them eat nails.'

Anonymous said...

This is my favourite bogey. I mined it yesterday and I am not going to let you see it cos you've all been nasty to me...

LondonBoy said...

"Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!"

The Scottish Play, Act 5, scene 1, 26–40

Stroppycow said...

What a tallon-less fucker!!

George Street said...

Guido, does anyone actually ever 'win' this fuckin 'contest'? As in a prize like way?

Anonymous said...

"I will make you wear boxing gloves if you don't stop chewing those finger nails, Gordon", scolded a cross Nanny State.

What self-respecting world leader would want to shake hands with that collecion of manky chipolatas? Eeeeeeuuugh! Yuk.

Stroppycow said...

When Gordon was told the Crewe & Nantwhich by election was a nail-biter........

Anonymous said...

The hands say it all. Gordon is not cut out for the top job.

Stroppycow said...

Gordon, love, when you're in a hole - stop excavating!!!

The Underdoug said...

From the Des O'Connor songbook:

I let my economy,
fall into careless hands.
Careless hands,
that broke my economy in two...

bayleaf said...

A man who has bitten off more than he can chew.....

R.Swipe said...

Gordon 'Brownhands' - in the shit again.

Anonymous said...

Finger lickin' good? Never mind Kentucky Fried Chicken, this is Westminster Cooked Goose...

tartwatch said...

Unelectable Gordon Brown the Unelected Prime Minister

euro said...

Perhaps I ought to burn it a little first like Jacqui Smith does?

George Street said...

They're cunt's, aren't they? I remember, way back when I was a student, a well-connected lecturer introduced us to Hugo Young. Top bloke, and could hold a pint. I always look at this lot and think - where's Orwell's successor? Not one of this fucking shower.

Stroppycow said...

No wonder he writes about courage -he needs a bucket load to appear in public with those hands!!!

Stroppycow said...

I know he has only one eye, but is he writing his notes on his hands in Braille these days?

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Poor Sarah.

I'll bet she gets some terrible trouble with her twetter, if those fingers have been anywhere near it.

AntiCitizenOne said...

Gordon bit his nails excitedly waiting for Ed Balls's Pillow biting session.

mitch said...

Mayo Clinic dermatologist Lawrence Gibson, M.D., and colleagues answer select questions.

Most nail biting is merely a bad habit that most normal people eventually break. But constant, severe nail biting can be a sign of anxiety or compulsive behavior. In such cases, you may consider consulting your doctor or a mental health professional for further evaluation. Treatment may include behavioral therapy to help you stop biting your nails.

Tuscan Tony said...

Too late Gordon realised the side effects of Largactil included dissolving fingernails and the rather nasty tendency for ones's sweat pores to excrete faeces.

Anonymous said...

Genital warts are infectious....

Anonymous said...

Darling you bastard - you said you'd raise the £3bn with a finger nail tax!

Anonymous said...

OK, all you bloggers out there. Look at your hands right now. I bet no one, manual worker or pen pusher, has hands looking as bad as Brown's.

The man is a misfit. Pure and simple. From the perculiar cheek sucking to his spastic hand movements at the despatch box, he is downright weird. Plus throw in the bizarre hand movements when he is walking and talking, holding a strange invisible oblong box.

If he was not the Prime Minister, but just another member of the public, most people would do everything in their power to avoid personal contact with him.

No amount of makeovers TV apearances or PR gurus will change the public's perception of him. To quote that immortal line from the film Christine... "You can't polish a turd".

Anonymous said...

FOUND The cause of MRSA superbug in hospitals. Gordon Brown's fingernails.

Anonymous said...

Waste not, want not.

Vienna Woods said...

'What would you like to eat now, Sarah?'
Said our Gord, picking his nose,
'Hard boiled eggs,' Sarah said,
'You can't get your fingers in those.'

(stolen and modified from Mike Harding's "Ackroyd's Funeral")

thick as thieves said...

time to go to the country you cunt.

Hang 'em high said...

To killemallletgodsortemout - don't worry, they won't have been.

javelin said...

Where has Gordon been putting his right forefinger to get that wart?

Anonymous said...

These little pinkies - just getting on with the job.

Anonymous said...

As Frank Field said:

the Prime Minister is clearly not "comfortable in his skin", was not enjoying the job, and suffers from "tempers of an indescribable nature".


Frank may have since apologised but we all know he spoke the truth.

Anonymous said...

Ali-baby said to me "Gordon, if i'm to be your puppet, cut your nails" I replied " I don't do cuts, not clear one's anyway, so I thought about it and then decided to chew it over...again"

Fucking delicious! said...

The Prime Monster has a finger in every pie; well I sure as fuck ain't eating pies ever again!

Fucking delicious!

Anonymous said...

Fairy Liquid Hands...and it's made with REAL FAIRIES for REAL FAIRIES...

not funny said...

I kid you not, I was almost sick looking at those vile dirty hands, Guido please don't do that again.

Steve Howard said...

NuLabour's only hope is that Brown will hang on by his fingertips...

Anonymous said...

Believe me, son, this is what happens to you if you spend your whole life being a wanker

KR said...

No one else was going to do it, so Gordon eventually decided to play the smallest violin in the world himself.

naomi said...

Blimey! They told me he fucked up everything he touched, but I never thought my fucking hands would turn white! Thank God he didn't get his nasty dirty paws on my fucking ass!

joe said...

like fuck the country is in a safe pair of hands.

Anonymous said...

Can I please vote for:

and this is how we masturbate in scotland!

at May 16, 2008 1:39 PM?

Just a bit of friendly joshing between neighbours, of course. Not.

transfattyacid said...

UniBond No More Nails is a high strength adhesive that eliminates the need for nails and screws in many DIY and repair jobs. With the strongest instant grab ever available in the No More Nails range.

petuniabean said...

Being P.M. is real nailbiting stuff...I like to chew things over before deciding how to disguise the disastrous failure of my government.

electro-kevin said...

Judging by the state of his hands Gordon's been cultivating his vegetable plot too. Clearly the impending slump is going to be much worse than we thought.


PS, Andrew Marr on Jonathan Ross when asked about the coming recession "We're in for a bump - cheap food, Chinese imports and cheap immigrant labour couldn't go on forever."

Nothing to do Brown's profligacy and incompetence over the last 10 years then.

Neil said...

Look at my huge grasp of economics

tapestry said...

Gordon is saying today, 'I'm the best person to lead Britain through the coming downturn' - i.e. not someone else.

His main concern from 1997 to 2007 was to get his hands on the levers of power. Now it's clinging on to power and especially stopping anyone from wresting it from his chewed-up