Competition : Alternative Career Suggestions for Hain
Now he has more time on his hands we should really be charitable and come up with a few suggestions for alternative careers for Peter Hain. He is after all heavily in debt, owing campaign debts of £41,200.He needs the money. One obvious suggestion is doing celebrity endorsements. He has already endorsed Tesco, Picture Financial, Cuddy Construction and Freshwater UK.
Perhaps he could endorse St Tropez fake tanning lotion? Tango drinks? Orange phones? Best suggestion in the comments wins a copy of The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze.
91 comments:
Advertising TANGO?
Not very remunerative - but I would like to see him doing the night shift toilet cleaning rota at a dreary regional airport.
With such debts I think a full time job at Picture beckons! They'd help consolidate his loans and find a monthly repayment rate that suited him.
If there's any justice, he'll land a job amongst some other sods, laying cricket pitches for a turfing company.
(Preferably at Worcester, where he'd be permanently under water.)
How about Orange Mamalade ?
Spreads so nicely on burnt toast !
Fundraising for the Labour Party?
A new Cuprinol Man.
Ideally, his next job application will be for the Chiltern Hundreds, and his next paid employment , will be whatever lags get for doing the work provided by HM prison service !
Nulab = Serially Incompetent
Criminally Corrupt
Wasn't he born in Kenya?
He can go back there as a peace-keeper.
He should stand up and vow to cut out the cancer of bent and twisted blogging with the simple sword of truth ... then go to prison ... then come back as the government advisor on prison reform. Or has that been done already?
I think he should take roles that draw on his experience and talents: - a security guard at a bank, and, because his head is rather outsize in relation to his body, as a stand-in for Geoff Tracy in Thunderbirds.
He could endorse Cillit Bang
"Bang! And the dirty money's gone"
He should write a book about the other sleazy goings on. It would sell quite a few copies I reckon!
he should work in Ian Biele's fish and chip shop
Head Of Ukranian Electoral Commission.
are you looking for an intern guido?
Spiv (see that photo I sent you)
He is of the ideal personal hue to make a totally self-contained lollipop man. Whilst fulfilling this vital public service role, he could also easily double as a belisha beacon when there was no child-trafficking to be done, at no additional cost to the taxpayer.
12th July parades in NI
Willy-Wonka chocolates
Looks like an Oompa Loompa
Given his, demonstrated, abilities with both a spade and with matters financial surely he is a ready made Turf Accountant
He could always become a whitehall mandarin
he's just the man for societe-generale.
Do you really think he is employable in ANY role? Ideal alternative career is therefore worm-food.
Bank robber; that will help with the funds.
With his record for incompetence, evasion and attempted hiding of financial transactions, you would think Hain could easily fill that recently vacated Trader's position at Soc. Gen.
Is he married and if so what's she like? I foresee a lucrative career for them on TV, being interviewed & mocked by Louis Theroux, appearing on Jungle Celebrity (or whatever it's called), and being available to open just about anything from a new branch of Spar to a paper bag.
I think he should become an unpaid groundsman at Lords. (Prize to the runner up, I already have a copy.)
Head of Risk and Compliance, Northern Rock.
The next Chair of the Electoral Commission? I think they don't allow former elected politicians to be a Commissioner .... yet.
selling sweets n'pop (esp tango) at south african rugby matches..oh, the irony.
Off topic but the loathsome Sir Michael White seems decidedly miffed that such an outstanding figure as Hain should have been inconvenienced by technical breaches of some rules,if his blog is to be believed.No doubt we are all to blame etc...
Political Advisor to Wendy Alexander and Harriet Harman?
Failing that, financial manager for Jerome Kerviel.
Once he gets out of prison he'll retire to spend more time with his sun lamp.
I don't fucking care what the slimy fuck does. He can do what the fuck he likes as far as I'm fucking concerned just as long as it's not at our fucking expense and he fucks off somewhere fucking else to fucking do it.
Do I make myself clear you fucker?
How about fronting one of those 'Improve Your Memory In Seconds' ads?
Organising English cricket team tours to Zimbabawe.
Dennis 3.51 Pay attention at the back. I've already told you in a previous post that the second wife, Elizabeth Haywood, is the MD of a large ritzy recruitment agency, offices Old Park Lane and Cardiff. As she has preferred bidder status for high up Govt posts, perhaps she'll be able to find a slot for him in some Nulab quango or some other waste of time and money.
He is being lined up for a tasty and very lucrative EU commisar job! He will wait for the fuss to die down and then, bingo! the crooked lying cheating scoundrel will be in clover.
The only question is what commisar role will he get?
Could it be anything to do with EU finance?
Or could it be head of the NGO payoff and bribery dept?
How about slush fund manager for the high commisars?
Whatever it is I am sure he will be raking in the money.
Ronseal for Men
A career for Hain?
One where he can't fuck up anyone else's life?
A corpse sounds about right.
I might have a few entries at this. This one has an added attraction, he'd be working for rupie.
Bank Reconciliation Clerk
Think about a more exciting future. Think Sky. With more than eight million subscribers, we're already fast becoming the nation's No.1 entertainment choice. But even this is just the beginning. We've big plans for growth - and here's your chance to be part of it.
An opportunity has arisen for an enthusiastic person to utilize their skills in the Operational Finance team as a Reconciliation Clerk within the Bank reconciliation Team.
Your key responsibilities will include:
-Accurate and timely review and reconciliation of bank charges and bank accounts
-Ensure bank reconciliation accurately reflects all transactions through cash books and bank accounts
-Maintain good working relationships with all external and internal contacts
-Resolution of outstanding items and escalation of issues to Team Leader
With your previous bank reconciliation experience with strong problem solving skills, you will be required to complete tasks accurately and within daily deadlines. You'll be a strong team player with an eye for detail as well as being efficient working under your own initiative.
He could star in a new Channel 4 sit-com following a similar format to Father Ted.
There would be 3 MPs living in a house together - Ed Balls would be the inept bungling one, Charlie Kennedy would be the one hitting the booze, and Hain would be constantly explaining away financial irregularities "No really, the money was just resting in my account". Of course, they'd get into terrible scrapes over the simplest of matters, especially whenever a senior Labour party figure came to stay with them. There would be lost data discs, escaped prisoners and all manner of hilarious PR disasters, in all probability. At some point Hain would even lose a bet with Jeffrey Archer and end up having to kick Gordon Brown up the arse. Or something.
Head of Customer Complaints (Mens Underwear Section) at Marks and Spencer, so at least he can stay in touch with an old 'friend'.
He should start up a Clash tribute band called 'Hain in Vain'
Robbie,
that was unfair. Denis may have 'attention issues', but with his clean cut good looks and unstreamed comprehensive education, he is bound to do well in life.
He could get a job at the Public Policy Forum. I hear it's terribly understaffed.
He's wooden and orange - sounds ideal to front a new Ronseal campaign.
Failing that, he's a failed and seemingly corrupt politician, if he loses his seat at the election he's a shoe-in for a European Commissioner
Obviously, he will get a job as an author. Having edited a book titles "Policing the Police", the next title, which he needs urgently has to be "Evading the police"
Cricket? Or was it rugby pitches he dug up? Or both?
Robert Maxwell Professor of Business and Political Ethics.
I'd like to see him apply for Incapacity Benefit
How about mucking out the open sewer in Soweto he has taken not to go near for the last 30 years ?
Director-General of the BBC? He's qualified.
As long as I aint paying I could care less.
how about independent financial adviser.
ps does anyone else think that frog bank is using the revenue and customs excuse? a junior staffer fucks up blah blah when in fact the bank had fucked up and faced bankruptcy.
He doesn't need to apply for a new career, he's got a good job now.
Serving as a big orange warning signal to his party colleagues that they could be next...
I'm sure he could get the part of an alien in Torchwood or Doctor Who. Would save the "cash strapped" BBC a fortune in make up.
The company mentioned in your post, Tesco, provides the perfect career opportunity for our pensioner. Flexible hours, plenty of sun & a chance to interact with the public on a personal.
I've already taken the liberty of discussing the matter with the present incumbent & he assures me that, for an illustrious successor like the Great Phain, he would be only too happy to move over to one of the other retailing chains.
It only remains to organise his blanket & dog & his pitch outside our local Tesco Express is his.
"Gottaneechangeferracuppateamate?"
Cerdic said...
How about fronting one of those 'Improve Your Memory In Seconds' ads?
He appeared in one of those on my blog back in December and look what it did for him...
Click below
Embarrassed by your poor Memory?
apparently a mr keviel form the society de geneneral , is waiting with further funds for hain4labour campaign at st pancras.
I heard that Levy and the Jewish connection are having him feature on the menu at their barmitzvah parties as the "Jus d'Orange".
tanman hain could follow ex labour energy minister brian wilson into a luctraive position with a wind farm company such as airtricity. wilson , hain, mandelson were at the dti when enron advised the dti on the subsidy levels for wind farm electricty.you may recall mandelson resigned over a mortgage.the govt published a list of ministers who had met enron, and inadvertently omitted tanman, who didnt remind them ( he had probably forgotten). the dti set the levels four times higher than necessary accoring to the public accounts committee report in 2007, and uk electricity consumers will be unecessarily lining the pockets of wind farm companies for the next 20 years or so.does tanman have a close relative working for e on, the wind farm company. it would be interetsing to get the client list of tanman's spouse's recruitement compnay KMC
How about opposition back bencher?
It's been a great day.
Now that it has become a case of "tan -- go!", perhaps he would be most suited to a quan-go...
Skin him, cut into tiny spots and stick on food products as the amber "traffic light label".
Jaffa Oranges? Seedless, similar in a way to being (Government minister) jobless.
Groundsman at Lords.
The Big Issue, although if all else fails what about the new face of the Weakest Link?
How about a bishop or a shepherd? I just googled "crook" and they came up.
With his love for all shades of humankind, I think he should clear the name of chocolate oranges.
Groundsman at the Oval?
Groundsman at Lords
Perfect. Revenge is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord.
common criminal
Diversity Officer
It's what all the other useless unemployable lefty losers do. He could spend his time dreaming up diversity pathways for Tangomen or something.
Do a new ad for "Picture the Loan"
"Yes, Hello, I wan to borrow £100,000"
"Yes, I am an MP" sigh...
" and I don't have to pay anything back"
"That's alright, no one does the paperwork"
"As long as they don't cancel my job, ho ho"
"You know, they are really nice people in the NuLabour Party"
zzzzzzzzzzz
I think that Peter Hain would be ideal as the next James Bond. Bond has very little time for beancounters and paperwork, he has a high opinon of himself and he bends a few rules if that helps. The tan and man of the world looks are perfect for the part. He needs a Quantum of Solace just now. He could star in:
Diamonds are from sponsors
Dr No if No buts
The man with the golden face
Tomorrow never lies
Goldfinger in the till
Goldenlie
(Hopefully) you only live once
The world is not enough, thunderballs etc are fine as titles.
briansj
also :
Dye another day
No wonder the young people of Neath are committing suicide in droves with Hain as MP for the area when the parents get wise and start to join them there will be plenty of room for a few more Poles/Romanians/Albanians to fill the empty houses. Job done said Gord
French Polisher - rubbing up tallboys.
On second thoughts, save that one for Gordon after the next General Election.
Assassin. Hitman Hain is his name, icing a particular blogger is his game.
He could stand on the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square, as a warning to NuLiebour crooks that Guido will get them. And we can throw eggs, tomatoes, etc at him.
Or how about using his orange, glow in the dark features to guide planes safely into Heathrow?
Or, given the flammable nature of Cuprinol, he could stand in for you on the bonfire on the next 5 November, Guido? Poetic justice?
What about as a LIVING organ donor?
Not his head; that would be rejected.
I think the only job he is ideally suited for is that of utter and abject failure.
He really did bugger all to promote the cause of freeing black people in South Africa. If Hain had have been a success, Nelson Mandela would not have languished in jail for so long!
His early attempts at the redistribution of wealth came to nothing, and ever since he has blustered an pithered about not really doing all that well.
Financial Adviser to Butcher Bob Ebagum.
Chairman of a Committee investigating corruption and finacial oversight and irregularities within the political ambit.
advertising readybrek
Public relations officer for Mr Mugabe.
Foreign Legionnaire...he's already done the forgetting part.
Or how about something at Societe Generale,I hear they're a Bank Robber short right now.
Crash test dummy.
Rent boy.
Medical guinea pig.
Shoot him into jet engines to simulate bird strikes.
He could get a job advertising cunts.
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