Prize Competition : Compose a Political Haiku or Limerick
To coincide with the movie release this Friday, Guido is giving away a copy of the book of the film Taking Liberties every day this week - one of which will have actually have been thumbed by Guido himself!A good read it was too - not too dry or too ranty, with a little dose of humour as well. But the message was clear, since 1997 the British have lost too many of their most cherished liberties. Just how many will shock you, as will all the administrative and regulatory means of taking our liberties.
Guido will send today's book prize to whomever amuses him most with a haiku or limerick wishing Prezza to "get well" following his recent hospitalisation.
In the comments please - first winner announced tomorrow morning.
80 comments:
the threat of cold steel handcuffs
even Tony Blair wants
to be a prosecution witness.
There was an MP called John,
Who had the IQ of a prawn,
He shagged Tracey Temple,
And spoke a bit simple,
But thank God he'll soon be gone!
There once was a gezza named Prezza
Who's life was devoted to pleasure.
But today brought no luck.
When asked for a fuck
The nurse said: "No, mate. I'm a lezza."
John Prezza lies ill.
Prezza lies. Ill-thinking men
Want him dead - but when?
Jabba Prescott in hospital
Krug chilling in my fridge
Will he die soon?
Bliar said I needed a good tanning
I misunderstood
And went tax free to the Caribbean instead!
Heard Prezza was taking a sickie
Cos he's feelin' a little bit dickie
"What's new?" - you ask "he's not up to the task"
All he's good for's a grope and a quickie.
Get well John Prescott
You big fat lumpen pork-cow
How are the jags now?
Hmmm. What rhymes with "chipolata"?
There was an MP from Hull
Whose life-style was far from dull
He earned a mint
He banged a bint
And is now overdue for a cull!
There was an MP from Hull
Whose life-style was far from dull
He earned a mint
While he banged a bint
Now he's long overdue for a cull!
(Improved version)
A DPMs duties include
Being lucid and bright and shrewd
But this doesn't work well
With one who can't spell
So he's stupid and shite and lewd
Does Prezza believe?
I do hope so; if he does,
John Smith's ghost awaits.
Whilst lying in his hospital bed
Lurid thoughts ran through Prezza's head
If the nurses aren't up for shags
They can ride in one of me jags
And give me a blow-job instead!
Tax man takes for
Two jags, driverless. Summer
Gone too soon for left
when he on tv
i watch with mirth and terror
hands over my ears
DPM
the end
Long
gone
John
he'll soon be
JP ex MP
cynic said...
Hmmm. What rhymes with "chipolata"?
Squashed tomata?
"Me and the lads in the Firing Squad got together and got you this card!"
" No need to stand still you big streak of piss
With a gut like that
we will not miss"
Fat man falls ill
Get better soon
Says no-one
Another jag another, shag the Caribbean sky
Serve up the ‘punch’ I `m out to lunch,
From now until I die
They hate my fat , my cowboy hat
Well just watch me getting older !
Then a fellow with a scythe came by
And lightly tapped his shoulder.
Bom tssssk
Tuscan Haiku
Sumo corpse lies
Gas distended
taxpayer nurtured.
Pointless Prescott.
(Humble apologies to Matsuo Basho)
Guido forks
With spiked tongue
Carcass
Of jaguar man
Will miss
When gone
stroppycow gets my vote (not that this is a democracy)
There once was a Prescott, called John
Whose voiced droned monotonously on
When his health wasn't rude
He was offered some food
And he said, 'Yes please, Steak. Ooh, and chips. And pepper sauce. No that's npt enough, more than that. Bit more. Lovely. What's for pudding?'
koan
stitch that
feeble fawkes
John in hospital
Condition not life threatening
Nurses take sick leave
Whilst on his farewell Grand Tour
2 Jags health became rather poor
"It's me chest" said the fat slob
Whilst filling his gob
"But fuck it - I've a few weeks more!"
Brighton 2005 "Waltergate":
Loyal John Prescott
Tub thumping
"Tories deny
Members
Vote on leader!"
Off topic but a topical Haiku I think:
Bitter Gordon sulks
chews nails and nose
Blair rides west
to lecture and pose.
Poor old John he needed a rest
Seems he's got a slight pain in his chest
But he shagged poor old Trace
Came all over her face
And said 'Keep quiet if you know what's best'
So. Farewell then, John Prescott
One of life's deputies
Specially when wearing boots and spurs
Old Prescott - he finally blew it
When on his sick bed he thought: "Screw it."
"I'll shag that there nurse."
But took a turn for the worse
When he found that he'd pulled
Patsie Hewitt.
Bravo the man for Tuscanny
Poor Johnny: most men are far smarter,
Better able to grapple with data,
But unless she's a lezza,
Any woman with Prezza
Will adore his chippy-o-lata.
John Prescott fell asleep on a train,
And awoke in hospital in considerable pain,
I’m not bedwashing that cried his nurse
I’ll give myself a strain, or worse
It’s a shame he’s not as thin as Peter Hain
A fat cunt with a taste for croquet
And induldging in the horizontal hokey cokey
Promoted way above his ability
With syntax that hints at senility
And a cock so small it would shame a flea.
Hmmm. What rhymes with "chipolata"?
Stigmata
Whilst wishing the fat git "get well"
My tongue firmly in cheek (can't you tell)
Taxpayer funded world jollies
Chasing secretarys and young dollies
-Yes I'll miss him - like hell!
Get well, Prezza,
We've not finished laughing at you
Don't die, just yet, fat f*ck
Title: DEAR JOHN
No presence
No present
No Prezza
"Get well, O waiver of rule!"
And I say that 'cause when he left school
He worked for Cunard
Then he worked even harder
To become Labour's number one tool*
[* Admittedly he's up against some pretty, er, stiff competition but for the purposes of this limerick and my rhyming scheme he wins effortlessly.]
John Prescott called for the nurse
He said " My condition is much worse"
She said "Stop feeding your gob you great big fat slob"
"Otherwise you'll be needing a hearse"
A haiku eh?
Guido I don't care
If I win this
Cos I will download the film
Using Bittorrent
TONGS YA BASS!!!
When john dies,
his body may lie,
but no more lies.
Ode to Prezza in Sonnet Form
Shall I compare thee to a human being?
Thine art is more pernicious and self seeking
A human does make a conscience more prominent
But your troughing would make a warthog blush
Sometimes to hot for you your seat does grow
The in hope and often waited we for thine sacking
But every stare met you with a stare
And your possessions mounted to our cost
Nor death as dealt by thee to soldiers fair
A price the country paid thee in young lives lost
When pork – you ate young women lured into your lair
We all must pay the price one day thou knows
So Long as men can breathe, or eyes can see
So Long lives this and and frames your infamy.
A corpulent John threw a sicky
but the doc said his ticker was dicky
from too much good life
and fooling the wife
with bints who are none too picky
There once was a Labour MP
Whose penis was truly tiny
His secretary squealed
As the papers revealed
That he'd used it before on Cherie
John Prescott in reasonable nick Had a chipolata instead of a prick On a last farewell tour Following legover and more He ended in hospital sick
The expenses of the deputy prime minister
were said to contain nothing sinister
just boxes of porn
croquet on the lawn
and drugs for his PA's sore wrist(er)
Haiku are supposed to be 5 - 7 - 5 you heathens.
Come don your black kit
Make sure the ovens are lit
For today we will rejoice
And all sing with one voice
Good riddance you useless fat git
prezza in sick bay
croquet sent his heart a-racing
like turkey twizzlers.
Prescott lies wheezing.
Hansard transcribers also
sigh. Relief. Gob less.
Sick Prescott to his deep chagrin
Was asked to produce some urine.
Said the staff nurse: "Get this.
Now I'm taking the piss.
Instead of you and your NuLab brethren."
Prezza once was a communist spy and Oh how he used to lie,he took money from a red just to get hiself fed and the more he ate, crate by crate made him want to felate any old slag that wasnt his old bag!
Now we used to be big on the seas but prezza was into the sleaze and he said to the red if you give me a backhander ill turn my land into Rwanda and you can take over and ill be in clover, so who gives a shit on who I tread as long as ive got lots more bread.
Our genial host does not give a fuck,
For contests of skill or even luck.
He begs a loan
Of a thousand pound phone,
But only gives a second hand book.
Civil liberties
New Labour since ninety-seven
war on terror now
There once was a moron called John,
Who frequently had a hard on.
He shagged any young bird,
And his grammar was absurd.
Noone will miss him when he's gone.
From sailing with P and O
To nearly PM is a show.
As MP for Hull East
He was a bit of a beast
And gave Tracey a bit of a glow.
John Prescott that overweight shit
Ran his tongue all around Tracey's tit.
He said, 'Let's begin
Now my cock's fully in.'
She said, 'No, that's the fold of my clit.'
As we await the overdue departure of Prescott;
Marvelling at the political advancement of such a clot;
We should be thankful he never got further;
As, most surely, he would'a;
If only he'd been born a Scot.
Amid a frenetic game of croquet,
In the midst of a busy working day,
With mallet aloft,
He finally coughted,
That's how Prescott passed away!
(The following happened last week.)
Tracey Temple said, 'Johnny, I say.
Your diary is clear for today.'
Prescott said, 'That's perfection.
I’ve a massive erection.'
And he squirted spunk all over May.
Two nervous nurses
A gun and Russian Roulette
Loser bedbaths John.
Anon 4:57pm
A pedant writes:
Yer flippin no-nothin' yobbo! They can also be 7:7 too. My very favourite ones appear in You Only Live Twice (book, not filum)
Ian Fleming is my hero.
As day turns to night
England inexorably slides
Into tyranny
This one is a little mean-spirited (but then so is he):
There was a fat thug named John
Everything he ever believed was wrong
With his ministerial Jags
And his extra-marital shags
No one will miss him when he's gone
Prescott lies weary and ill
And Blair lies badly
And Gordon lies like a King
Get well John Prescott
Blair's out and about abroad
croquet is calling
fat man with effing sun tan
burdened sick bed
beached whale returns to sea
Die, you fucker! Die!
You fat, useless word mangler!
Have I said die yet?
There was once an MP with two jags,
who preferred extramarital shags
English rose or a Scot,
John would go for the lot -
he was saved when the court issued gags.
There once was a deputy Prime Minister
Whose motives were more vain than sinister.
Though in hospital his chest
Was not under a vest,
The heart of his boss should arrest in the stir.
When a fat thuggish bastard is dying,
And his master is usually lying,
We wish them both well -
And damn them to Hell.
The Devil said "You'll soon both be frying!"
"Well, that's just Our John"
Said another charlatan.
Please God, punish both.
Prescott dies
People laugh
Piss on his grave
And laugh some more
There once was a man called john prescott
and a funny thing happened to him,now just guess what!
He caught a dose from his secretary,on a visit to his constituency
Well-wishers smiled as he was clapped out of office
So, goodbye, Prezza
Hope you soon leave hospital
On two trolleys
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