Kiss Guido's Politically Incorrect Arse

Looks like it will be another six-figure month here in the cellar at www.Order-Order.com:

click to enlarge

On the day they protest outside parliament against jokes becoming illegal, Guido is pleased to boast that despite upsetting a few of the most po-faced bloggers, this blog is still as popular as ever. Guido was found guilty of thoughtcrimes by the pc-blogosphere-inquisition and yet, infuriatingly, his readership remains loyal. You have to laugh at their ultimate sanction and know: they would have removed Voltaire from their blogrolls.

Darbyshires Endorse Whuhne

Let's see if he lists them as his supporters. And finally, in other news they are adopting a cat.

Killed in Iraq : 100Funerals Attended by Blair : 0Wounded Visited by Blair : 0

Blair Heir : Picture Exclusive

Tory Confidence and Confidentiality

MORI in the FT yesterday has some 31% of respondents satisfied with Cameron’s performance, while 17% got no satisfaction. This gives a “net satisfied” rating of +14%. A figure identical to the satisfaction rating achieved by Blair two months after he became Labour leader. It is light-years ahead of what William Hague, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Howard scored two months into their leaderships. Blair currently scores –21%.

The majority of LibDem voters (53%) say they are satisfied with the new Tory leader and just 14% are dissatisfied, a whopping +39% score. (Mind you, according to ICM, 39% of Lib Dems would like Charlie back.) Even among Labour voters, the score for Cameron is +4%, which is actually better than Blair scores with all voters.

CCHQ readers: Could a co-conspirator, for a laugh, send Guido a copy of the confidentiality agreement Conservative Party employees at CCHQ are being advised to sign. Usual email or fax 0709 201 2337.

LibDem Leader's Backer Clasher"Oh Yes I have", "Oh No You Haven't"

Yesterday Whune claimed on his website:

... his campaign has now secured the backing of eight Council Leaders from around England. This is more than the other candidates combined. 'I'm delighted,' said Chris, 'at the backing of these local party leaders. These Liberal Democrat council leaders are already in power in their own areas and therefore their support represents a significant step forward in my campaign. I want to see the success they have achieved for the Liberal Democrats replicated on a national scale.'

Whuhne's much boasted grasp of figures (economist, City editor etc.) could take a bit of a knocking here. This evening Ming's Jaguar pulled up outside Guido's cellar to decant a liveried flunkey with a list of nine council leaders backing Ming. How does he square that with whathisnames' claims? Guido has counted for himself (using the fingers of both hands) and thinks Ming has it.

Remember the Tory leadership campaign? Liam Fox claiming the backing of George Bush, how we laughed. This is just tragic - the politics of toytown.

Sandi Toksvig Mocks Whune

In a viciously cutting stand-up routine, comedienne Sandi Toksvig, a celebrity* LibDem supporter, sarcastically said that Chris Whuhne, of the three candidates, had the qualities the party would need in the coming years.

"If you are looking for somebody to be the next Prime Minister - especially the first Liberal Democrat Prime Minister, it helps if he or she looks and sounds like a Prime Minister," Sandi cruelly mocked.

*Technically correct.

The Darbyshires Again

Surely they must be the blog product of the mind of a drug crazed LibDem satirist?

Simon Hughes. We're not supposed to comment in detail. But the truth is out now. All I want to say is we've guessed a long time. The rumour mill was always going. His staff and colleagues used to say he was just a private person, too busy to meet a woman or that he'd been seen out with both men and women. But when someone puts their arms around the two of you and looks chuffed to be able to do so you know they like both flavours!

There is more, so much more, Leah Darbyshire's letter to Burger King complaining at their lack of vegetarian offerings is surreal. Guido is addicted.

What Dave told Demos

Interesting and clearly its the definitive (for now) ideological text for Cameroonies. It's an honest analysis of Blair / New Labour as well. Cameron argues for realpolitik made policy.

Wee Willie Rennie Running...

...a distant second in Dunfermline & Fife against Labour, should have a re-think. The propaganda could do with a little polishing and re-phrasing. Tastelessly, in view of recent events, he refers to binge drinkers and "straight choices".

Many thanks to Holyrood Belle, a Guido co-conspirator, for emailing these gems in.

Scottish Intelligence

Guido fears that if the SNP and Sean Connery do use the Scottish Parliament to attempt to sieze North Sea oil, Blair will find evidence of WMD in Glasgow (battered deep-fried Mars bars can be lethal) and invade.

Help Form Labour's Education Policy

Little tip from Guido for David Willetts (courtesy of the left-wing pressure group Compass). Compass are campaigning with Fiona Millar (also not known as Mrs Alastair Campbell) to make sure parents have no choice but to send their children to the local comprehensive to learn text messaging and stabbing.

Guido learns from Gavin Hayes that anyone is allowed to submit to the Labour Party’s ‘Partnership in Power’ process. You can do this by sending your submissions to pip3@new.labour.org.uk. So 'democratic', like a people's soviet for policy making. The Labour Party press office kindly confirmed that "Partnership in Power provides both members and non-members with a forum for making their ideas and suggestions heard through discussions at local policy forums and through submissions to Policy Commissions."

Now the Tories can really assist Blair and Ruth Kelly with suggestions to get their reforms through. Guido is just trying to be helpful.

Tax Day Tomorrow Mr Blunkett, Don't Forget

You know how forgetful David Blunkett is with forms, forgetting he had fast-tracked his mistress' visa application for her nanny forinstance.

Well tomorrow his tax return will have to be in, and just in case he suffers from amnesia again, let Guido remind the old expense fiddler, he will have to declare the benefit in kind of living in a free, grace and favour, £3m Belgravia mansion courtesy of Tony. By Guido's calculation he has had the benefit of that following two resignations, the taxable benefit (he has been living rent free at the taxpayers expense) would be in the region of £60,000 to £80,000 a year and Blunkett has been unable to find somewhere to live for all that time. On Sunday he told Andrew Marr, "you know how it is with surveyors and solicitors". No, Guido doesn't. It takes a couple of months. But why rush when the taxpayer is keeping you in some style? With the money left over from his column in The Sun after paying his tax bill he should be able to find somewhere. Blunkett can download the form here.

"President" McCain Praises "Prime Minister" Cameron

Guido suspects it won't be the last time John McCain praises David Cameron's “new generation of leadership in the Conservative Party” with their “very enthusiastic and clear vision of the obstacles they have to overcome to get a new Conservative majority... From what I know of, and have seen of, Prime Minister Cameron, I mean Mr Cameron, I’m sure he and I are more philosophically aligned..."

Patience, just three more years...

Clearing out the Closet

The Indy reckons that LibDem MPs with skeletons in their closet have been summonsed to the Chief Whip, Andrew Stunell, and told to confess all. No word as to if Ming or Whune have been along.

Met Police "Institutionally Blairite"

New Labour's favourite copper, Sir Ian Blair, is useless. When not covering up for trigger happy extra-judicial executions of tube travellers, he spends his time enforcing politically correct policing. Detested by many of the ordinary boys in blue his career has been pulled upwards by the immense amount of suction power which he directs to his New Labour masters. Meanwhile in many parts of London people don't bother reporting muggings or burglaries. Guido knows many Londoners who have been the victims of domestic burglary over the years, not one of whom has seen the police catch their burglar. Zero success. Yet, the crime figures paint a vista of increased tractor production police productivity.

The commissioner's plan to harrass London's party people is the obvious way to improve the crime figures, by creating and solving crimes on the spot. Operation Middle Market aims to entrap middle class cocaine users with police officers posing as coke dealers. That's the spin he is putting out today. So there you are, sitting half pissed upstairs in the Groucho, a young man with short hair wanders over to you, "hello, hello, fancy some sniff?" Yes you reply, hoping it will jolt you out your alcoholic daze. You slip him £50. What crime have you committed? The copper has no cocaine, you have not bought any, the cop would be guilty of intent to supply if he had any cocaine. So what is the commissioner up to? It's completely imaginary spin to get his gaffe about the Soham murders off the news pages. No one is being arrested in "middle class sting operations" because it would not work in court.

The commissioner knows that the broadsheets will lap up the story and it will move the news agenda on. A cynical Blairite media strategy. Beats catching burglars, eh?

Ming Races to Victory!

With all the energy, vibrancy, dynamism and environmental sensitivity required of a LibDem leader, Ming demonstrates that he is in poll position, ever ready to drive the LibDems to victory...

Captions in the comments please.

Oaten Withers On The Vine

Click this for a great quote from Oaten on the Jeremy Vine show. Fast-forward 33 minutes...

Hughes : Lies and Hypocrisy II

The Times destroys the latest excuses Hughes makes. Four hours before Trevor Kavanagh told him the game was up, he lied to them through his teeth:

Why did he think that people seemed to believe that he was gay? He frowned and his forehead furrowed. People added two and two and got gay, he explained. “I think the answer is I’m a single guy. I think that’s the explanation for that conclusion.”

...He’s not gay, but he has had gay relationships. He wasn’t lying, but he wasn’t telling the truth... Over last weekend, Mr Hughes became aware that stories about his sex life were circulating on the internet.

So why did he lie? His latest line is that he comes from an older political generation in times when it was more repressed and he didn't want to upset his mum. Purrrlease.

His mum? The eighties were repressed? With Boy George and George Michael at #1 in the charts. Even a young Guido was down at (handy for Westminster) Heaven, sweating on the dance-floor with poppers-sniffing YC's.

It doesn't wash. His party would not have rejected him if he was out. The real reason he could not admit to being bisexual/gay was because he got into parliament on the back of a hypocritical homophobic campaign in 1983. All his (too late) recent apologies can not hide that. He lied because he was ambitious and he still lies today because he is still ambitious. His come-uppance is well deserved.

The Difference Between Hughes and Oaten

Unlike with Oaten, there is no reason why Simon Hughes should resign says Cowley Street. The only "professional" gayer Simon Hughes shat on, was Peter Tatchell. Whereas with Oaten...

Hat-tip : Popbitch, "home of gayers, webmongs and unemployed freelance journos".

Anything Left in the LibDem Leadership Closet?

Sky News and the Sun are having fun with the LibDems this morning and so, truth be told, is Guido. Now which LibDem leader was Lembit referring to? Do the activists know? Is it another "open secret" at Westminster not fit for the public? Enquiring minds want to know.

Lembit Backs Hughes!

Lembit Opik is on Sky News now defending Simon Hughes! Simon Hughes is doomed!

UPDATE: Lembit Opik says, in this ill tempered interview, "We could ask, should a man who has had an affair be Prime Minister?" Whomever could he mean? They really are dirty in-fighters in the LibDems...

How Much Will Major Pocket From QinetiQ?

John Major has good reason to smile, the Tories are resurgent with an agreeable leader and his part-time job at the Carlyle Group is rewarding. So how much will he make from the forthcoming privatisation of Qinetic?

It will reap his firm (he is the chairman of Carlyle Europe) a £330 million return on an investment of £42 million.

Carlyle always rewards its people very well and this will reap him a seven-figure bung. Labour really doesn't do these privatisations very well, it has excluded private investors from applying directly for shares. Not exactly popular capitalism, but an 800% return for foreign investors in three years. Is this the wealth redistribution Gordon Brown is always telling us about?

UPDATE: Tin-hat paranoia time, post goes up 10.48, within half an hour they come and stare at the blog for 8 minutes. They make death rays! You know what they did to David Kelly! Help!

Hughes : Lies and Hypocrisy

Hughes ran a horrific 1983 campaign in Bermondsey that was the most hypocritical and dirty campaign in the history of Liberal low tricks - and that is saying something for the masters of dirty tricks. Liberal activists subsequently admitted going round council estates knocking on doors wearing "I've been kissed by Peter Tatchell" badges. Working - class Bermondsey was conned, their prejudices were played to and the Labour candidate, Peter Tatchell, was pummelled.

Hughes had for years denied that the LibDems were responsible for that campaign, then in the last few days he admitted responsibility and said, pathetically, that he had apologised to Peter Tatchell for using 'an unacceptable form of language'.

Last week he told the press that he was unlucky in love with the ladies, his spinners referred disingenuously to his "deep-felt Christianity" whilst at the same time gay barmen were hawking stories around the tabloids and Hughes was running up bills on Gay chat-lines. What is it with politicians that they are so contemptuous of the public that think they can lie blatantly to us and then expect to be trusted by us? Hughes is an ambitious, lying politician who has lied to everyone for twenty-two years, why should anyone trust him now? If he had been a Conservative, the apologists for him today would be rightly attacking him for hypocrisy and that 1983 campaign. Now what do they say? They blame The Sun...

Uday Hell Does He Think He Is?

Shaking hands with a twisted torturer and smiling, its a disgrace. Didn't Uday know what George Galloway - Barrymore's twisted tormenter - was capable of doing? Gorgeous taunted alcoholic Barrymore with "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink". Cruel, but fair methinks.

Mental cruelty is a terrible thing (but sometimes fun) and it's a shame Gorgeous is going to be voted out of his CCTV'd prison tonight. A Guido co-conspirator emails to tell that it seems the phone number to evict Galloway has been barred from parliamentary office phones. Must have been costing too much.

Podcast Away Tonight

Over at Guido and the Monkey we'll be posting our latest podcast tonight, so saddle up your high horses, Ipods and feeders. Experiment by clicking on Guido's iPod bedecked visage (on the left) for the idiot-proof way to download it. For the more geeky, here are our XML thingies that will do it all automatically for you.

No, we don't understand them either.

You Know Who You Are...

Cameron Homeless

Over at Tim Montgomerie's ConservativeHome.Com they are not happy with Cameron and illustrate it with this helpful graphic:

They backed Fox, they backed Basher Davis, on the criteria they use maybe they should now back Blair?

LibDems in Grave Situation

Adrian Graves says the election of David Cameron as Tory leader marked "a fundamental shift in both the direction and political atmosphere within the Tory Party." The LibDems faced a "nightmare scenario" after the next election of a hung Parliament with "yet another, weaker Labour administration, led by Gordon Brown, propped up by Hughes-led, left-sympathetic Liberal Democrats".Translation: "I think they'll give me a winnable seat."

LibDems will try to paint him out as a nobody, they have already Stalinistically erased his biography and picture from their website.

It gets worse, the Guardian has a focus group giving Hughes the thumbs up by a wide margin against Ming and Whuhne. Whuhne was recognised by only 9 people in the survey.

If Hughes wins, the LibDems face annihilation by the Tories in southern England, something that focuses the mind of LibDem MPs, but doesn't seem to bother the weirdie beardie membership. They'll be breaking out the champagne at CCHQ before lunch...

Tatchell Makes Up With Hughes

Many thanks to the blog reader who pointed out that on Newsnight yesterday Hughes apologised for the anti-gayer campaign that won him the Bermondsey by-election against Peter Tatchell:-

“I hope that there will never be that sort of campaign again. I have never been comfortable about the whole of that campaign, as Peter knows, and I said that to him in the past . . . Where there were things that were inappropriate or wrong, I apologise for that.”

Guido is confused, how can he apologise for something that never happened? When Guido mentioned it before on this blog the comments were flaming with outraged LibDems complaining that it was a smear and untrue. Guido seems to recall that he denied any knowledge or responsibility, now he is apologising for it. Just goes to show, a Hughes denial can not always be believed.

The Curse of Opik

He backed Charlie Kennedy until the bitter end. He backed Mark Oaten until the shit hit the fan. Who will the political strategist and great modern liberal thinker Lembit Opik back next?

The prospect of his support is un-nerving all the campaign teams.

Focus UK Polls : LibDems Not Winning Here

Hughes : Oaten Should Stay

Simon Hughes finally has come out with a quote:

"He's stood down from the front bench; that is the price he's paid. I don't think it follows that you stand down as an MP"

Hat-tip : unthinkablelogic

For Palestine!

Huhne Erects New Campaign Website

The old website was described as crap, the new one is a little better, but his new logo is questionable. Has Guido got a one track mind or is his logo subliminally saying something?

LibDems Shocked at Oaten News

The Quiet Man

Ming calls on LibDems to show unity and purpose and Huhne says the party is much bigger than one individual in comments on the Oaten Affair. Simon Hughes however remains silent. Wise.

Ming is now odds on favourite, Huhne second and Hughes last from previously being the bookie's favourite. William Hill say that since Mr Oaten's resignation not one bet had been placed on Hughes or Huhne. Looks like Ming is King.

Oaten and Hypocrisy

Crown Court Recorder Roger Davies was pensioned off with a tidy £1m in an obvious case of the judiciary looking after their own. He had been consorting with male prostitutes that he had met over the internet. What did Mark Oaten, the LibDem Home Affairs spokesman have to say about it? He said that Roger Davies should be subject to the same laws as the rest of us.

Mark Oaten has been consorting with male prostitutes that he has met over the internet. What does he say now?

Murdoch Lays Down The Law

1. Cut Taxes.
2. Shrink the State.

Then The Sun will shine on Cameron.

One for the Boys

The LibDem shop is selling a selection of leadership related t-shirts. When Basher Davis supporters had "It's DD for Me" emblazoned across the bosom of t-shirts, they were obviously made for girls only. The innuendo would hardly work on Tory boys would it?

But the LibDem shop is selling "I want a Hughes One" t-shirts in girls and boys designs. A strangely ambiguous play on words...

Rare Bottle of Whisky on Ebay

This is a very, very rare thing, a full bottle of whisky that has been in Charlie Kennedy's hands. Its up for auction on Ebay, bidding closes Thursday.

Dogged by Rumour, Punters Discount Hughes

Despite giving the Torygraph a straight answer to a gay question, the issue continues to Doggett him;

Is he gay? "The answer is no, as it happens, but if it was the case, which it isn't, I hope that it would not be an issue."

The 54 year-old bachelor has, he says, asked women to marry him and been turned down. That should obviously be the end of it. But the smart money has gone from Hughes onto Huhne, who is now neck-and-neck at the bookies with the former favourite. After Oaten many see raver Hughes as a risk.

Its The Pod What Did It

Wednesday night, a few drinks, a digital recorder, Guido and a drunken Monkey. A beta podcast for a select few emailed on Thursday. Those of you who heard the podcast will know why Guido is smirking. Did it hint enough?

We posted the feedback responses over at GuidoandtheMonkey.Com Thursday and Friday. Popbitch (the home of webmongs, gayers and unemployed freelance journos) referred to the libellous nature of the podcast. Anyway it was in the public domain Thursday, "bloggers are making jokes about it", and coincidentally the News of the Screws swoops...

Our feedback was very useful and posted on the new blog, here is a selection of some of the prescient feedback.

almost certainly libellous

i assume you have a lawyer who checks it?

The concept is great, it should be a huge success, and Mark Oaten'll sue you to hell and back.

I look forward to the next cast with a savaging of Oaten for burying his departure on the day of the sex offenders statement

I don't mind the odd swear word, think you might have gone a bit too far with Mark Oaten

I can't believe what a hard time you were giving oaten!

Oaten stuff is funny.

Maybe Oaten should not have broken the hypocrisy rule.