Political Bloggers: the New Opposition? - Guardian
Labour Suicidally Corrupt - Peter Oborne
LibDems to Unilaterally Disclose Expenses - LibDem Voice
Tory MP Puts Mistress on the Payroll - Recess Monkey
Think Tank Round-Up - Cassilis
Deputy Mayor Denies Sex Scandal Claims - BBC
Rush Limbaugh Signs $400m Contract - Fox News
Scotland Yard Hand Hain File to CPS - BBC
Describe Brownism in Seven Words - Dave's Part
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DISTRESSED-LOOKING LADY: Lord Hutton, fancy meeting you here!
I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back.
So when I dropped it in the mailbox
And sent it special D.
bright and early next morning
It came right back to me.
I'm sorry Mr Clinton, I don't appear to have you on my dance card.
Cherie finally meets the young mail escort who's card she took from the phone box at Euston.
Cherie looked on in horror as the re-birthing ceremony went dreadfully wrong.
Ahhh...the cheque...
Now arise, King Elvis.
Can you do "took my cheque-y to Lord Levy but the Levy was helping police with their enquiries"?
And we have a request here for 'Jailhouse Rock'...
WORLD EXCLUSIVE - Cherie appears in public WITHOUT charging an appearance fee!
Other news - Elvis found alive..
Elvis sings
"Amazing disgrace"
'I'm caught in a trap, I can't get out'
'Sorry to hear that honey, but what would you like me to sing for you'..
'One for the money? Fuckin' lush la''
Elvis, A special request - I'd like you to sing 'When I'm 64' even more badly than I can.
I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - new campmates arive.
Cherie:"You want me to put it on with my *mouth*?"
Harridan says to elvis impersonator
"If you want me to join in the karaoke that will be thirty grand"
So, what does it feel like to have been famous across the world for singing, and then selling out for megabucks by entertaining wealthy fat Americans ?
Well, Elvis, if you sign your autograph I'll tell you all about it...
Elvis: "No way - someone fatter than me!"
'No, Elvis, I said I wanted the money in a BROWN envelope...'
And if you could just give that note to your husband, it will tell him where to find the WMD's in Iraq...
And the prize for worst dressed 'lookalike' goes to...
..drum roll...
'Cherie Blair'...
Ah, the kissograms from Tony!
At last ! We've found someone who is interested in an invitation to the opening of the new 'superdome' casino !
CHERIE
'Yates, did you really have to go to such lengths to serve the warrant for Tony's arrest'...
YATES [for it is he]
'I told him I'd be discreet if he didn't try to avoid me...'
I've just got a note that Tony is leaving the building.
Would you be prepared to move in instead of Gordon? I'm sure you are less of a fake.
Cherie: "My husband's not a crook!"
Elvis: "Yes, and I'm regularly spotted shopping at Walmart in New Mexico"
Cherie: Yes, I'll have the vibrator you're holding. Just put it on this Labour Party credit card.
Cherie - "Would you like to bid for it? I've signed it personally!"
Elvis - "My dear, you do have a wooden heart."
Tory MP?
guido is away so I can publish this from holymoly
A certain woody former Labour MP was at the Two Brewers gay bar/club in Clapham recently.
He arrived around 10.30pm and spent most of the night in the toilet, flashing and masturbating in front of anyone who cared to stop and look.
He was last spotted at 3am, still in the toilets flashing and yanking at his (no-doubt-extremely-blistered) cock while a bouncer tried to remove another customer who was throwing up in the sink.
Who said romance was dead?
Kimberley, I just read that same article. Gold old Holy Moly... more balls than Popbitch and Guido!
(Voice over plaintive piano)
She was a working girl, North of England way
Now she dreams of big fees in the USA
And if she would only listen, this .. is .. what .. we’d .. say
(Cue Thirties dance-band)
Cherie-pie, you are shameless and lazy
You need money like crazy
For your big London home
Oh Cherie-pie, your position is tragic
What’s become of the magic?
How’ll you service the loan?
You became a legend of the freebie scene
And now the thought of losing it
makes you weak in the knee (tee tee tee)
Oh Cherie-pie, if it’s driving you frantic
Sod off ‘cross the Atlantic
And just leave us alone
Cherie: Elvis, I was hoping to book you to perform with Lord Lucan, Shergar and a troop of flying pigs to celebrate Labour's historic fourth term election victory.
Elvis: You aint nothin' but a hound dog.
Lesbian Elvis pulls!
"It's now or never to get rid of this Labour so-called "government" and replace it with a Tory administration dedicated to small government, low tax and personal liberty. Thank you very much"
Be a good hound dog Elvis and give this note to Dr Kelly next time you see him.
Cher - 'air - 'air - 'air - 'air - ri baby,
Cheri baby,
Take Tony and get out tonight - night, night - get out tonight
Cherie: Do you know You're the Devil Disguise?
Elvis: That's a bit rich coming from you, luv.
Elvis: "And now we have a special request from the audience... Please please don't let the fat lady sing. Thangyew verr much"
Cherie:
"Whats this request for a blow job that you say I promised but failed to give you at Liverpool Universtity in 1974. OK I'll do it but it'll cost 30 big ones cash up front."
I thinlk that's an Elton John impersonator.
Or
Voice over of police controller on radio: "Elvis has not left the building. Repeat Elvis has not left the building. It's Blair. Go! Go! Go!"
Cut to classic police chase denouement with screeching tyres and loads of cops aiming guns at a startled fugitive caught in the headlights.
Oh what a happy thought upon which to sign off.
You look like you've been dead for 30 years.
Cherie tips one of the carol singers who are performing around the Downing Street Christmas tree
Cheri attempts to get a private dance from the Elvis stripper
Both Cherie and Elvis say at the same time...
"Jesus! How did you get so effing fat?"
Cherie: Do you know I Don't Have A Wooden Heart.
Elvis: You've got a wooden face, though.
Cherie: Do you know You Were Always On My Mind?
Elvis: It's too bloody late, I've been dead for 30 years.
Cherie: Do you know What Can You Do With A Drunken Sailor?
Elvis: No, I wasn't brought up in Liverpool
Cherie: But that's my Tony!
Elvis: It's a jailhouse rocking-horse!
Elvis: "Not in the underpants Ma'am. Uh huh huh."
cherie: I have on this piece of paper tonys leaving date im gonna put it anyone feeling brave?
"Have you noticed the terrible angle this dance floor is at?
You, fat bint, get up the other end."
"Keep singing, this is the titanic of the NuLab dream...and isn't that one of Guido's outfits you're wearing?"
on this piece of paper is tonys leaving date im gonna stick it in my pants anyone feel brave?
Is this Cherie smuggling nuclear secrets to Kim Jung-Il in return for a North Korean retirement palace?
"I am a Prime Minister's wife can I stick this in your pants?"
Magaret Beckett's Elvis Impersonation Shakes Them Up At Labour Money Raising Concert
Lagwolf - what was Cherie's reply?
"Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
..............
............
..............
And tell your friend
That's it's the end
He'll have to go"
Or -
Mrs Blair-Boothpersonoid: "Can I pop this letter in your unfeasably large sleeves? My husband's closed all the post offices."
Elvis: "Is it a donut?"
Welcome to Disgrace Land ?
Cherie: "I can get three of those in MY mouth."
Elton: "Lucky bitch!"
Kim iL Jung: Ah, Pol Potty Totty, you are too nutty for me.
Cherie to Elton (what is up with your eye-sight you lot....Elvis???)methinks too much time spent alone with idle hands has finally taken its toll.
Anyway, Cherie to Elton 'do you know your piano is on my foot?'
Elton 'Well I never ......The Bitch is Back'
Dave been in?
That Cherie Bliar lookalike is a right ugly cunt isn't she..ooh hold on....
Isn't that David Cracknell, once of the Sunday Times, in the picture?
Can I just ask Dave's mum if she';s seen Crackers Cracknell anywhere?
Anonymong 5.52 -
Elton never wore sleeves and collar like that. The attempt is to look like Elvis. The thinning barnet and ridiculous shades are slightly Eltonian, but coincidental.
The jacket could indeed have come from the G Fawkes wardrobe, as someone suggested earlier.
Well, it's one for the money and two for the road.....
[cherie] - Aha - very clever of you to have a double sided business card which says 'Elvis impersonator' one side and 'Elton impersonator' the other...
[Elvis - or is it Elton tonight, Matthew..?] - Well it helps business to be able to swing both ways..
[cherie] What's that Mr Fawkes ? I just look up this website for plots, rumours and conspiracy ?
[guido] Yes, it'll help you to keep tabs on what your old man's been up to..
[cherie] - Beats watching 'I'm a Celebrity..' I suppose..
Cherie: "So, Mr. Bush. I see that Carol Caplin has now become your fashion stylist."
you've made a decent comeback, any chance you could have a word with tony?
Cherie: That Elton John outfit looks very fetching on you Gordon.
Even better than your pink tutu.
Gordon: Bitch!!
Cherie: I bet you couldn't shag me five times a night.
Bloke: I just do halitosis commercials. I'm not a fucking miracle worker.
"No I don't want a peerage thanks, I'm the King!"
Now then love, you have to get to the back of the requests queue. Gordon Brown asked me to play "It's Now Or Never", a Mr Yates has asked me to do "Jailhouse Rock" and Mr Bush over there asked me to sing "Hound Dog".
Stand back love i've got a Cumberland here that's getting excited, none of that poncy chipolata's that you get down south.
No Michael Stone editorial? Odd that a gun and bomb-toting murderer can attempt a raid on a UK parliamentary building and not elicit an article from the likes of Guido and Iain Dale.
Guido's not alone in this, though. The whole thing's been played down in the mainstream UK media, and there's a paucity of blog activity. Question: and what if it had been a supposedly Islamic extremist, rather than a self-proclaimed Christian? Funny old world, innit..?
More to the point, where's the fairness is borrowing images from Chinese Elvis' homepage and not having the goddamned common courtesy to give him a reach around by plugging his site...
www.chineseelvis.com
where the original caption reads
Tony Blair's missus, Cherie, was happy to take my business card, when I sang recently at a fund-raising do, for which she was the guest of honour. A sexy and voluptuous woman, I was worried that my skintight jumpsuit would be bulging in the most un-Elvis like places. Luckily for me, Margaret Beckett was also present and funds were the only thing that were sucessfully raised.
Cherie, where did you get that gob? Not very good for blow jobs???
At least your arse is a bit smaller than your sister's.
"Independent Counsel? The British Attorney General and 'Cash for Honours'" this is from the Jurist. It gives some of the legal background of the position of the Attorney General (Goldsmith) and the Cash for Honours prosecution / decision. It's been discussed before in this blog but for your records, here's the link.
Oh look, someone thinks that they are an important and influential celebrity.
The other one is an Elvis impersonator.
"Can you sign this copy of your death certificate so I can auction it to top up the parties funds?"
elvis impersonator: are you lonesome tonight?
cherie: i wouldn't sleep with you for one month's mortgage payment.
Cherie: "Guido, I recognise you behind those specs! Here's a letter from your pal Recess Monkey asking that you apologise for accusing him of censorship when you have done exactly the same thing yourself (on more than one occassion). Most lately with the "What did you do last Friday?" post".
Guido (continues singing): "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"
Cherie:
Here's me femidom, will you fit it.
Elvis impersonator:
I'm not that desparate.
Hello Guido - you're looking well!!
Jus wa...anna bare
Your Tony B.
Get that bastard good and fair
And put him across my knee.
And steal his massage
from Carol C!!!
Cherie: They're very prolific on Guido but not actually funny.
Especially that Welshman Brian Ape Llyard who's not even interesting.
Cherie (for it is she): "Do you know "Walk like (you've had) a Brazilian?"
Elvis (not smelling too good): "Sure me dear, though it's better known (in the trade, as they say) as the Mandelson Wedding March, luv"
Elton - It's nice of you to flash your nipple, but I'm afraid I don't swing that way...
Cherie: "C'mon luvvie, this is my final offer - Gracelands, two weeks next August, self catering and not a word to Sir Cliff - his place is SO last year".
Cherie: "Can you sign this for me? - It's a list of all Tony's achievements since 1997"
Elvis: "Fuck me Ma'm what's on the other side?".
Cherie: Here's £20, now show me the photo of Gordon on a rocking horse.
Elvis: It's proof that I'm not the only overweight middle aged man who wears a nappy but the photo will cost you a lot more than that you tight arsed bitch.
Prescott prepares for the inevitable.
Guido - I really think stroppycow deserves a tshirt for that effort !!!
Superb !!
I thought Mutleythedog was funnier
Booth: Do you know I ain't nothing but a hound dog?
Presley: Yes, you are a bit minging.
Ugly bird: "Are those T shirts below this picture PRIZES for winners of the weekly caption comps?"
Sad club-circuit impersonator: "No, lass. Guido is tighter than a Liverpool slapper after three Baileys-and-Red-Bulls".
- lovely pair you've got!
- thanks, Cherie!
So Master Fawkes disappears overseas without revealing the winner?
Bad form, old chap.
Remittance,
Think you should be familiar with the traditions of the Friday Caption Contest.
* The first rule of the Friday Caption Contest is that only 10% of the entries border on funny.
* Second rule is that there is always a complaint from someone that it isn't funny (cf Brian Appleyard - never knowingly funny himself). Which is funny in itself.
* There are always complaints about "prizes".
"Birds of a feather...."
If I win the compo can I get a T-Shirt without the picture of the silly twat on front?
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